But the Greatest of These is LOVE

Hoot and Holler.

2011-09-25T23:47:00.001-07:00

In watching the two recent Republican/Tea Party debates I have realized that most of the things I am trying to accomplish with my life are opposite of the "conservatives" agenda. Because Republicans are more predominantly known as the "Christian" party, and I have many Christian friends who are really positive and excited about these candidates for presidency, I have felt a little outcasted from my Christian community lately.

It has been plain to see that Red America is clear about certain things in dealing with human life: It's okay to let sick people die on the street if they have no health insurance or are immigrants, it's a good thing that Texas has killed so many people under capital punishment, and that Ron Paul is cRaZy for caring about all of the afghan locals who have been killed in the war.

When I heard these things in the last two debates my heart literally broke.

It's no wonder that I face so much animosity in Berkeley as someone who calls herself a Christian. People might look at me and think that I have no value for human life. Mostly I think people look at me strange because I seem to be the polar opposite of what they know a Christian to be.

Studying Social Work has been extremely fascinating because the more history I learn the quicker I realize that it's Christians who started this whole "alms to the poor" movement. Well actually it started with a Jewish Guy - Jesus. You may have heard of Him...

After that it seems as if there was a big pattern of Christians being the first to help the poor. Christians were the ones who were adopting the orphans, starting programs, and preaching to the locals about how God has commanded us to care for the impoverished. They led the way in immigration reforms for the Irish who ran from the potato famine, and African slaves and their children. It was Lincoln who said that it was his Christian faith which compelled him to start tax payer funded schools for the recently freed Africans.

So when was it that we made a shift, as Christians, and as a church, to focus on money, worship sets, buildings and church politics instead of focusing on reaching out to our communities - the social gospel? When did this shift teach us to celebrate the death of human being?

I don't know about your Bible but mine tells me to love. We are to show people God's love just like He has showed His love to us. And oh my heavens, I really hope God doesn't hoot and holler and the thought of me dying' on the street...

Go Bears!

2011-09-19T22:50:00.001-07:00

At the end of the day...

2011-09-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

The healthcare crisis in America is largely misunderstood and misrepresented by politicians. Does anyone ever wonder why Democrats and Republicans have such a difficult time coming to a similar understanding on this issue? Why is it that when they debate, they seem to be talking in different languages? I truly believe the reason for this is because half of the politicians in America are being bought out by medical, insurance, and pharmaceutical companies.

Here are the two problems that US citizens are just not understanding amidst the brain washing of certain medias and politics:

1) Government spending on healthcare is out of control. The way to fix this is with some kind of "universal" insurance program.

2) It's almost impossible to achieve number one because there is too much money and too many crooks in the healthcare business, who are buying the people we elect to protect us - politicians.

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Universal Healthcare - does your stomach drop when you hear this phrase? Do you think of long lines and bad care? Well guess what, there are already lots of long lines and bad care all throughout America.. it's called an HMO.

Countries that have Universal Government Healthcare are not perfect, and America's government healthcare system is not so great either. What I am proposing is to meet somewhere in the middle, and the focus needs to be on prevention.

In reality, every single person in America right now has insurance. Even if there is no insurance card in your wallet and you are homeless and living on the street, if you show up to the ER, you will be treated, and you most likely will not pay a dime for it. Some of these visits turn into long-term stays in the hospital due to serious illness. Lets look at two examples:

First, we have Olga Sanchez (not real patients, based off of true stories) who is a 60 year old female with high blood pressure. One month ago her husband lost his job and therefore lost their medical coverage. Olga had to stop getting her blood pressure medicine because it was too expensive to pay for out of pocket. One night Olga wakes up with a terrible headache and eventually passes out. She is rushed to the emergency room where the doctors tell her family that she has had a stroke. She is rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding that is in her brain, and is in the ICU for the next month. She then moves to a neuro unit for another month until she can get on government insurance, and is then transferred to a skilled nursing facility. The treatments for the rest of her life will cost millions and millions of dollars, and even worse, the heartache of her family. I told Olga's daughters that I want to help see it that no one else has to go through this experience. Olga should have been able to get her one bottle of medicine a month for a decent price (she would have had to pay hundreds of dollars for one months supply). As a taxpayer, I would much rather pay for Olga's medicines for the rest of her life than for her millions of dollars of medical bills.

Second, George Smith, homeless man who lives on the street. Alcohol numbs the pain, and also keeps him warm at night. His drug won't keep away pneumonia though, and he presents to the ER by ambulance, intubated, because he is so sick he cannot breathe on his own anymore. One month ICU stay, we finally get him better. Millions of dollars later.. we pay for something that a simple antibiotic could have fixed.

In the Republican Tea Party debate tonight, it was made loud and clear that their stance on this issue is to let the uninsured die on the street. And if you don't believe me, I can personally say that I have known people to agree with this. Christians(!), to agree with this. It's clearly unbiblical, but religion aside, it's morally unethical and Un-American. I can't imagine any president (no matter which party) having the ability to pass a law that leaves dying uninsured people out on the street. It's just not going to happen. So we need to come up with an alternative. To me, it seems clear. It's either we practice preventative medicine in America that will require some formalized use of universal type healthcare, or we stay in the mess we are in now.

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Tonight's debate made it clear as day to the American public about how big money has control of politics, and let me tell you, insurance, medical, and pharmaceutical companies have lots of money. Do you ever find it weird that Blue Cross or Aetna have advertisements on TV? Do you realize how much an ad campaign like that would cost?! No wonder our premiums are sky rocketing and our out of pocket costs are too much to handle at times. Why is it that over 30% of the budget for a standard insurance company goes towards administration, CEO, and publicity costs? 30%! In Canada it's under 5%. Last year Blue Cross' CEO salary raised 26% to $3.5 million. This to me is shameful and should not be something we put up with.

When Michelle Bachmann accused Rick Perry of signing a mandatory law that would require all girls ages 12 and up to receive the HPV vaccine, Perry had nothing to say but apologies for it. Right there on live TV, Bachmann accused Perry of being bought out by the medical company, and now the whole world knows that Perry received his donation the same day that his administration announced this new mandate. Perry tried his best to mumble his way out... of... this... he... doesn't... know... what... to... say... ummm..., "If I am elected there will be no more Obamacare", he shouts at the crowd as they scream with cheers. I am sitting by my computer screen watching in horror, trying to figure out if anyone realizes that this is how it works in Washington. "At the end of the day", Perry is a dirty politician, there is no doubt about it.

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"Obamacare" is not perfect, but it's the first step in the right direction for America. I truly believe that with a little bit of Obamacare, and a little more of my plan, that we can cut our healthcare costs by a significant percentage. Yes, I am trying to help all people - illegal immigrant, homeless, and the lazy, but I also desire to see this country save money. I don't see any other way to fix this system.

American Citizens - please, keep an open mind when thinking about this issue. Think of your own situation... how good is your insurance? Think of others - how DO we take care of those with no health insurance, and how much does that cost? And really research Obamacare so that you won't believe the lies that some politicians try to tell you.

FACT CHECKER - in reference to the Republican Tea Party Debate.

Prayer Emails

2011-09-08T00:45:00.001-07:00

I have been sending out prayer emails lately instead of blogging. If you would like to be added to the email list, please let me know :)

Mom is 60

2011-08-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

It's my mom's 60th birthday today and I feel very blessed!

I am so thankful that God chose me to belong to my mother. She is THE most amazing woman I have ever known. My mom has sacrificed everything to give me all things. I am motivated by her to be a strong and loving woman, who will be satisfied in her career, and finish her education.

My mom is the most faithful person I know. I don't think I could ever be as faithful as she is to her family but I pray that God would give me the strength to do so when that time comes.

My mom has taught me to love God. She has shared with me her deepest times of faith and tribulation, and I am better for it.

My mom is strong. She can fight through any adversity, and can handle the greatest of trials just to come out a stronger woman.

My mom is my everything and I hate being far from her.

Thank you mom for being the greatest mother. I love you!

Berkeley.Berkeley.

2011-08-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

Well it's almost been a week in Berkeley and I am hanging in there! I have been somewhat busy every single day. I am trying to stay busy so I don't hang around the house all day in a depressed manner. It was hard to say goodbye to my parents on Sunday. Living with them these past two months made it even harder. Of course my ICU/Awful thinking is always factoring in the possibility that I could be hugging them for the last time. It's that way with everyone I suppose, but it's weird when you get in the habit of seeing your family EVERY single day, and then plan on not seeing them for 3 months. Yikes. 3 months.

I LOVE SKYPE. Skype has been great already. I have talked to my whole family on it, and it is really wonderful. At one point the other night the computer was on the family table and they kind of forgot I was there and were just talking to one another... I loved it! I felt like I was back at home.

Moving away from your family and friends is challenging but it's also life changing. This will be a great time of growth for me and I know that I need that... it's just hard at times. I am so lucky that I am able to have this opportunity - SO LUCKY.

So right when I said goodbye to my parents I came up to my apartment to be greeted by my roomie, Dave N. He gave me a little bit more of a tour and then I sulked in my room for a bit. The only thing that could cure such a thing was TARGET! Thank you so much to all of my friends and family who gave me a Target gift card (or money), because I needed a lot of stuff, and I also needed some retail therapy.

I got lost going there but this is what I found:

I found the bay! I have always grown up close to the beach in Southern California so this is definitely a different kind of water going on up here, but it's refreshingly new.

For all the Target fans out there, I had to take a picture of the check out lines because it is so similar to the DMV:

You pick a line A - F, and then on the TV screens it calls out your turn and tells you what number to go too. As I looked behind me the place was PACKED, so it's probably a good thing they set it up this way.

I have made 2 target runs this week already (so comforting), and an ikea run with my roomie Dave B. The Ikea is right by this little town called Emeryville (which is right by Berkeley), and it is so random because all around it are run down buildings and Oakland, and then the next you know - there's a "Coach" store, J-Crew and a bunch of high end stores in this outdoor shopping strip. Random.

I have been setting up my room to make it feel more like home and I am almost finished. Setting up my bookcase was the BEST part. It feels SO good to have my books out and looking at me again.

I have an extra poster of John Lennon and I asked my roomies if I could hang it in the hallway and Dave N. said only if I hang a Beyonce one on the other side. Don't tempt me, Dave N.

My roomies have been really great. We made it through our first big roomie meeting and 75% of it was discussing how to split up the fridge (standard).

Heidi - The only other girl roomie - she went to BIOLA!!! She also went to USC. She is up here getting a PhD in Lunar Science. NASA has already offered her a job. Pretty cool. Everytime I talk about it with her I want to watch Apollo 13. I want to watch it so bad. It is her birthday today - we WALKED to yogurtland. So fun living downtown. She is from San Diego and she is a twin. She is also 6'1 so I love feeling short.

Brad - Studying for a PhD in computer science. He had an internship at Google this summer so that is super cool in my book(Fun fact: Not only does Google offer free meals to their employees, they also get a free shuttle ride to and from work!). He loves to organize everything on a google spreadsheet which I hate but am learning to love. He is a leader at Veritas (Actually, all the boy roomies are leaders) which is the graduate student group through First Pres Church (also down the street). He is super patient and organized this whole house!

Dave B. - PhD student in economics. Ridiculously smart. Talks a lot about running codes on his computer and I hear a "NO!!!" come out of his room a lot when things don't go well with the code. He is famous for being the guy that rollerblades around Berkeley, and he also plays really intense board games down the street with other board game people. He plays the harmonica very well and has great stories.

Dave N. - Graduated last May with a PhD in endocrinology. He works at a lab and is basically trying to find a cure for Breast Cancer (ummm, seriously? I know you?). He says so far all of his rats/mice are dying. Dave is super down to earth. Just the other night I found out he was an elder at First Pres church. Note: He doesn't want people calling him "Elder Dave" - I tried. Dave is also very devoted to doing early morning devotions with all the housemates - so far I haven't woken up for one, but when school starts I will.

My week has been filled with exploring my little city. Walking a block to grab sushi is an amazing feeling. I am also right by Blockbuster, thai food, pizza, burgers, cvs, staples, a bunch of bars - you name it, I am right by it. It's wonderful. It takes about 10 minutes to walk to campus as well. My building is a little further - 20 minutes - so I will probably take the bus there because it's only a 7 minute commute by bus and walking combined.

The greatest exploration day was Pub Crawl day. I went with Heidi because all the science people she studies with do this famous pub crawl every year. I was nervous about it, but I had a really good time. We crawled for a good 5 hours and I am happy to know of so many good places to eat and drink. One of my favorite places is called Thalassa. It is literally a 3 minute walk from my house. There is no sign on the front of it so I never would have known what it was. When you walk in there is a huge bar and a few pool tables and some lounge furniture to sit on. I hear this place gets packed on the weekend. Then you walk into the other room and it's a HUGE place with a TON of pool tables. It's got a great vibe and great music. Love it.

I also loved meeting new people. This one student had just gotten in from China - first time in America. I taught him how to hold pizza! I love having the opportunity to talk with such a wide variety of people. That night alone I met 3 people from China, 1 from Chile, 1 from Holland, and people from all over the US. The diversity here is SO refreshing.

Today I met with Dan and Deb who are the campus crusade directors for Cal. I would also like to say we had reeeeally good gyro's for lunch. Such good food out here!

Cru at Cal Website

Dan and Deb are really great people, and their kids are super cute. My heart has always been for evangelism, and especially here at Berkeley... I would love to say the word "revival" around here, but I am hesitant because that feels so unreachable. This is definitely a "darker" place to live in. I am lucky because my house is full of light, but outside of that it is different. It's a different kind of dark than orange county where the cities are full of wealth and greed etc. ... up here there is a kind of academic darkness - where logically it doesn't make sense for their to be a God. I am honestly still trying to figure the whole thing out but what I am sure of is that my heart is in a state where it feels called to love and protect. I think mainly this has to do with undergraduate females. Being an undergrad at a secular school must be very difficult at times, and I would love to be present in peoples lives when those difficulties hit.

I'm rambling... SO, Dan and Deb were so incredibly welcoming to me and I love their ministry. I am going to be praying about how I am supposed to get involved out here in Berkeley, and whether it's with Cru at Cal or somewhere else.

Another prayer request: I have been having so many dental difficulties over this past year. I think that I would have been really better off not doing as much work as I did because I literally feel like every single tooth my dentist has touched, there is something wrong with it. In other words, I have been having a lot of pain. The dentist is so expensive and I am also really scared of getting dental work because the numbing medication doesn't work well for me. With that said, if you could pray for me that I would find the right dentist to go to that would help me with all of my dental troubles I would really appreciate it. This has been a very frustrating situation in my life. I almost feel like maybe my dentist has been taking advantage of me, and I am really scared at what another doctor would have to say about the work that has been done.

Thanks for reading, friends. Today I was thinking - I wish all my friends lived here... we would have so much fun! Miss you all!

Vacation.

2011-08-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Mom, Aunt Terry and I wine tasting.

"Vacation".

2011-08-11T20:37:00.001-07:00

BEFORE - "Purple Room"

Paint in my hair - i'm blonde now.

View from my windows.

HALFWAY

Still the purple room from the outside :)

AFTER

My mom's like - "Uhh why did we paint over the purple... all your stuff is purple."

I love purple, but not THAT much purple.

Birthday balloon from new roomies - very sweet.

They also all signed a card for me - precious. :)

Rough day, but it is finished!

Vacation.

2011-08-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

Vacation.

2011-08-09T23:00:00.001-07:00

On my way...

2011-08-07T20:47:00.001-07:00

Is it crazy that I am scared to leave because I know I won't come back the same?

When I graduate from my program in two years I will be two months away from turning 30, and changed inside and out. I might have a few more wrinkles... I will definitely be smarter... more independent...

calmer, probably...

engaged, maybe...

rich, just kidding...

:::Sigh:::

Leaving tomorrow. Leaving in 7 hours actually.

I don't want to leave my family. Ehhhh, don't wanna think about because I start to cry. Thank you Lord for webcams.

Everyone in my life is so precious to me... to leave was not an easy decision.

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But here I go. The Lord has opened a great big door to the top school in the nation. CAL BERKELEY. WOW. ME? Really?

Okay.

I'm on my way...

Last Years Birthday Goals

2011-08-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

Did I accomplish these goals for my 27th year of life?!?! Though I couldn't even think of 27... ha.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

#1 - Grow closer to the Lord (a given...) - Yes!

#2 - Travel some of Europe (a goal that will be posted every year until I make it there)... - no

#3 - Do stand up comedy in a club (ya, I just thought of this the other day and deemed it a good idea)... - no

#4 - Get settled and satisfied in a church... - no

#5 - Visit the Knaup's in DC... - no

#6 - Visit Erin in Colorado (just so I can for sure accomplish one...) - yes!

#7 - Dominate the GRE... - yes!

#8 - Get into a really great MSW program, and/or figure out what the heck I am doing in that area... - yes! a miracle!!

#9 - Go on date's with my sisters... - so,so...

#10 -

#11 - Plan and execute a HUGE family Thanksgiving at my house... - yes! and my grandpa's last turkey day with us, so i am happy i did

#12 - Read 75% of the books that are already on my bookshelf, that have never been read - haha, no

#13 -

#14 -

#15 - keep it real... - yes!

#16 -

#17 - Watch more movies... - yes!

#18 - Go on a reeeally stellar road trip... - Berkeley with Lindsay was fun!

#19 - Watch "The Union Line" make it to the Billboard Top 40... - hehe, not yet.

#20 - Write more... - nope

#21 -

#22 - Pray more - so,so

#23 - Visit Maritza in Seattle... - yes!

#24 -

#25 -

#26 -

#27 -

Stay tuned for my goals for the 28th year of life!

let God.

2011-07-13T22:51:00.001-07:00

Moving is stressful. Moving 7 hours away is even more stressful.

I rented a 10ft moving truck. The guy at the truck place calls to say that he might not be able to have a 10ft, and would have to give me a 16ft. "But I don't NEED a 16ft", I say. Back and forth, back and forth (can you hear me?...)

I felt God say to me - "let go"

So I let go, and I let God (hehe).

*sigh*

Bye Bye Whittier

2011-05-31T01:29:00.000-07:00

1am and I can't sleep.

Tomorrow I am saying goodbye to Whittier. Goodbye to Buck's house. Goodbye to the coolest house I have ever lived in. Goodbye to a town that has been good to me.

Two years ago when my walls started crumbling down, I needed to return to the place that treated me so well - the Biola area. I tried out Fullerton for a bit, only to continue on to Whittier. For the past year I have lived in a great house with a pool, fruit trees, and all the room you need for alone time. It started with me, Rachel Olson (Garman), Aubree Kusmit (Hills), Melodey Reiss, and Lara Hurlburt. Aubree went away to grad school and got married, and Lindsay Schmidt joined us. Rachel got married and Hannah joined us. Hannah and Lindsay moved on and Jessica and Emily are here now. Now it's my turn to say goodbye.

When I moved in a year ago, I was desperate for peace and sanity. My life was in turmoil. I was having a quarter life crisis. And even though I lost my mind a few times living with 4 other women, I also regained most of who I am.

This town is comfortable. Biola is down the street, trader joes and target are around the corner, and pretty much all of my friends are within 60 miles north and south. I know the neighbors, and I know the secret ins and outs of street corners. I know where the cops hide, and I know where the best hole-in-the-wall restaurants sit. This place has always brought me peace and direction, and I am thankful.

Leaving here is more than just a regular move I have had before, because when I am gone, I most likely won't ever be coming back. And if one day I did come back to work for Biola, if wouldn't be for many years. I will visit of course, but it won't ever be the same. Even now, walking onto Biola's campus feels oddly distant. Between the new construction, and not knowing anyone as I walk around, it is clear that the campus has moved on without me... without all of my friends. I will be forever grateful for Biola - the place that raised me up to be a witness for Christ, and work in a world with integrity and compassion. Biola has drilled in me a foundation that would be extremely difficult to break... I'd dare to say, unbreakable.

Farewell.

Three Things.

2011-05-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Life is moving so fast, and I feel like I am stuck in the slow lane.

One week from now I am moving back in with my parents to save money for the big move to UCB. And then two months from then, I am making THE big move.

I have been really stressed about it. Really scared.

But today brought something new. A new perspective. It was simple, really, but it spoke to me.

Three things: Change, alone, and figuring it out.

I have a friend who loves to do this. Me? Well, I THOUGHT I loved to do this. I have moved four times in three years, and I thought this made me one of those people who loves those "three things". So when I decided on this big move, I thought it would be no problem, because, hey, I'm a mover.

I'm not a mover.

Being in Berkeley a few weeks ago made me realize a little bit more about myself. On the way to a pizza place, I thought I knew where I was, parked my car, paid the meter, and then proceeded to walk 6 blocks to where I needed to be. By that time I needed to start heading back just to beat the meter! I was frustrated that I didn't know where I was. I would get frustrated the whole weekend because anytime Lindsay and I were trying to figure out where to eat, I had no idea where to go. Figuring it out. I realized I was scared to figure things out.

Here in So. Cal., I have my family, friends, job... EVERYTHING. Everything is here. Nothing in North. Even in my moves, I was moving around So. Cal. Alone. I am scared to be alone.

Right now my life consists of work, volunteering, paying bills, and being with the ones that I love and have known for a long time. When I move I will be going to school and studying something that I never have really professionally studied, interning as a social worker, and hanging out with people I have known for five seconds. Change. I am scared of change.

So what my friend said today about loving change, being alone and figuring everything out, really had an impact on me because I realized that this is a once in a lifetime experience that should be embraced instead of feared (even if I am not a "mover"..).

Embrace the chance to figure a new city out - get lost, take the bus, eat at a C restaurant.

Embrace being alone - truly alone - because in this I will be able to feel the kindness of a stranger, the joys of a new best friend, and the comfort of a Savior.

Embrace change - I get to study what I LOVE, and practice what I LOVE, by showing love to God's people. And I don't have to work Full-time!!

Woo, I am getting excited...

UC Berkeley.

2011-05-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

WOW! Okay, so life is changing really fast.

I haven't even announced to the blog world that I was thinking about changing up grad school, and so my faithful blog readers out there (haha, no one...), you probably have no idea what's coming! To make a long story short - I decided to go into Social Work. I started praying about this over a year ago now, and applied for schools back in the fall of 2010. Through the application process I really felt like God was calling me to UC Berkeley. These seemed a little like a pipe dream though, because UC Berkeley is NOT an easy school to get into. It's #6 in the nation for a Masters in Social Work (or, Social Welfare as Cal calls it), and #1 for sociology. Needless to say, it's a highly sought after school, and many qualified applicants apply every year.

The MSW program at Berkeley (aka. Cal) takes about 100 students a year, and the specific program I wanted to get in (health) takes FIFTEEN.

FIFTEEN.

Well people, I am one of those fifteen!

It's been completely overwhelming. I found out that I was accepted 5 days before my tonsillectomy, and on that day I was SO sick with bronchitis. After I recovered from surgery, my grandfather passed away, so my mind was super distracted from from so many things. The fact that I was accepted to the #6 school for social work had NOT sunk in. I was freaked out.

So what does one do when they are "freaked out".. ROAD.TRIP.

So on Sunday, I packed up my stuff and drove to Bezerkeley with my friend, Lindsay. I feel like I accomplished EVERYTHING during this trip.

First I met with my longtime friend Chris Reinhardt, who had moved out to Berkeley for a degree in Poli Sci, and is graduating in 2 weeks (congrats, Chris!!). Chris is just awesome, as he helps me to figure out so many things during this transition.

Next I met with potential roomies. Now, these peeps are the peeps I have been talking to for a bit over email. I met them because I went online and stalked the biggest church in Berkeley, found the email contact for the graduate student group, and emailed them saying "HELP ME". They put me in contact with some ladies in the social work program (Sam and Anna have been ridiculously helpful with EVERYTHING...I LOVE THE CHURCH), and also in contact with other people who are looking for roomies. Through many email exchanges with loads of people, I have landed in a group of 4, who will attempt to look for a house this summer.

Introducing: Brad, David, and Heidi. Yes, boys.

I have never lived with boys before (except my dad of course), and so I am thrilled! Less ladies has got to equal less drama. Especially because Brad and David are seriously some of the greatest people I have ever met. ::Brad and David are also very smart and put me to shame as they pursue Doctorate Degrees in Computer Science and Economics::

We all met up at church - First Presbyterian Berkeley - on Sunday night for the "student service". The church provides food afterwards as well, and so we had time to get to know each other. It was FANTASTIC. After, David took us on a tour all around Berkeley so that I could get to know the area better. I feel SO much better about the area now that I know where I am! Heidi is living in France right now, but GUESS what?? She is Biola Alumni!! Isn't that a wonderful gift from the Lord?? It's amazing how God works things out, and how the church can seriously be such a blessing. So you can pray that this housing situation would work out for us. I know that God is in control, and that even if it doesn't work out for us, that God has something else planned that is perfect for me, and I also still have met really great friends.

On Monday I bought a Cal shirt (of course), and then went and met with the MSW department "secretary". I don't like calling her a secretary because I feel like she is the knower of all things Cal MSW (aka. Very important person). I needed to chat about financial aid, and fellowship opportunities. Meeting with her was probably the best decision I have ever made in my life. No scheduled appt., she just saw me last minute (super awesome), and helped me SO much to navigate my next steps for getting my education paid for. So PLEASE, pray for me as I try to figure this whole thing out.

That night I had dinner with Jeff and Kashelle Bruce who live about 20 minutes away from Berkeley, and are friends from Biola. Jeff is a pastor at a local church, and Kashelle works as a nurse in Berkeley. Again, thank you for the church that helps us feel connected all over the world! The Bruce's are just wonderful people, who offered me a place to stay anytime I need one, and support for this new transition in life. I NEED people like the Bruce's as I transition. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I also stayed for their home fellowship small group as well, and it was so encouraging.

Tuesday was departure day (yes, a 48 hour trip), and we met up with Chris again for pizza and a view, as we overlooked the bay at the Berkeley Rose Garden. Life is good up in Berkeley. Also, this pizza place - to die for, yum. Again, Chris was SUCH an awesome support to me as I was just able to discuss everything - moving expenses, jobs, housing, transportation around Berkeley... everything. SUCH a blessing.

So there we have it in a nutshell. There are so many more things I would love to mention, but I am officially exhausted. I need PRAYER people. Just be praying for all mentioned above, and that I wouldn't be too fearful about leaving my wonderful family and friends behind. It's scary... I am scared... But I don't want to let fear hold me back from something that is SO wonderful.

My Heart is Broken

2011-03-20T02:26:00.000-07:00

Losing my grandfather, Ray D. Pearcy Sr., on Wednesday March 16th has broken my heart. In a way, I am happy to realize that I still have a heart because I work around death SO much, but I just wasn't expecting this overwhelming amount of grief soaring through my soul. I am going through the stages (of grief) like a person who has never stepped into the hospital before. I was so angry today.. angry at the doctors.. angry at illness.. angry at ridiculous things that couldn't have been changed. I am still angry. I am also in denial. I am never in denial about things, so this feeling is just bizarre. I had this certainty today while at the gravesite that this did.not.happen. I couldn't accept it. I broke down.

I hate crying because I get headaches, but at the same time it feels good. It feels SO good to mourn someone so passionately because I know that means that the love between my grandfather and I was REAL.

Anyway, I am grieving, but I am learning. I have learned so much from this one experience in my life, and am thankful that it has changed me for the better. More on that in the coming weeks (if I am up for it).

In the meantime, I want to paste my eulogy from grandpa in here so I can't ever lose it.

~Albert Einstein~ Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

I began today with this Einstein quote because I want to spend time remembering the legacy of my grandfather through his children, grandchildren, and great-children. First we have Marcela and Ted (who is my dad), whom grandpa adopted as his own back in 1954 when he met Emma Reese. Only to continue on by having three more children – Cindy, Renee, and Ray Jr. All of these children went on to live good lives, raising their own children to be good and loving people. We have Michael and Michelle, followed by Aaron, Meghan, Carrie, Christopher, Brian, Kenny, Amy, Sarah, Emily, and Tori.

Between numerous college and high school graduations, weddings, the making of great-grandchildren, and many other events over the years, I think we made our grandfather proud. I think that we had good motivation, because of our grandfather, to do great things. We grew up with a healthy respect for grandpa, and listened closely to his wise words, and learned a lot from his outgoing personality. I think it is safe to say that we all take after him in the LOUD and opinionated areas.

I for one couldn’t wait to tell grandpa good news about life. One of my favorite things was making him proud. I loved that he was here to experience my graduation from college, and in the last week of his life I was able to let him know I was accepted to UC Berkeley for graduate school. He was SO happy. It’s extremely difficult to accept the fact that he won’t be here on earth for that graduation, but I know he and grandma will be watching from a better place.

I think all the grandchildren can speak to their own proud moments with grandpa. Mike being the first to produce great-children, and very cute ones. Aaron graduating from college and recently becoming engaged. Meghan for graduating from cosmetology school, celebrating her wedding, and giving him 2 more great grandchildren. Chris for being the first to work in show biz, and for being the greatest uncle, with the kindest spirit. Brian for being a hard-worker, and first of all of us to have his own office at work. Kenny for graduating culinary school, and having the ability to make anything out of frozen turkey. And Amy, Sarah, Emily, and Tori, who are all still young, but have made grandpa proud in many ways, as he enjoyed lots of love from the babies of the family.

This is Grandpa’s legacy.

We also have many wonderful memories with grandpa. My sisters, Sarah, Emily, and Tori, reminded me of grandpa’s smile. Grandpa always LIT UP whenever he saw one of his grandchildren. This past Thanksgiving we had the whole family over to my house for dinner, and I think grandpa was smiling the whole time. I know he loves his family, but I am sure some of that smile was because he got to eat my mom’s food as well. He loved food.

Meghan reminded me of how she used to sit on the arm of his chair at the old Hawthorne house when she was a little girl. I remember those memories as well. Meghan also said that some of her greatest memories were when Grandpa was with his great grandson, Jameson. Almost every milestone in Jameson’s first year of life happened around grandpa, and grandpa was so happy to be able to celebrate Jameson’s 1^st birthday.

While spending this last week together, I was able to reminisce a lot with Aaron and Brian. We talked a lot about Grandpa’s hot tub. We ALWAYS wanted to be in that hot tub, and we always wanted Grandpa to go with us.

As a family, I think it is safe to say that Grandpa was ALWAYS there when we needed him most. I have distinct memories of grandpa being my comfort, in times of trials. This is why it is so difficult to lose a grandparent. We don’t use the word “grand” to describe these people we have in our lives for no reason – they are the “grandest” people we know.

Finally, my favorite memories of being with grandpa were in the last days of his life. Though it was difficult to see him sick, I am glad that I cancelled everything to be with him. I am glad that the years of my work experience was able to be a blessing to him. Spending those last days speaking for him when he couldn’t speak, and helping him while he was weak, were the best spent hours of my life. We even watched American Idol one night from his hospital bed. Having the chance to say goodbye and I love you, numerous times is something that not many people get, and something that I will cherish.

This sucks. I have spoken at all of my grandparent’s funerals, and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do this one because it is the last for me. Today I am saying goodbye to the last grandparent I have.

But here is the good news – we are not saying goodbye forever, but just for a small amount of time when we compare it to infinity. Grandpa was a Baptist, and so naturally I turned to the Bible for answers and comfort. This is a passage that gave me comfort this week:

1 Corinthians 15

⁴² It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. ⁴³ Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. ⁴⁴ They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. For just as there are natural bodies, there are also spiritual bodies.

⁵⁰ What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever.

⁵³ For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

I know that there is such a thing as heaven, and eternal life, and it is with that confidence that I celebrate the fact that I will see grandpa again.

Grandpa, you have left a legacy. There are many more great grandchildren to come, and we promise you that we will always tell them stories about you so that you won’t be forgotten. We will try our best to represent you well in our lives, by being honest and kind, but most importantly, by loving this family that you have created. It is with sadness that I say goodbye for now, but joy comes when I am able to tell you – see ya later.

Grandpa.

2011-03-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

I came back on the blog to focus on one thing for a bit - my grandpa.

My grandpa, who is my dad's father, is my last living grandparent, and I am sad to say that he is now home on hospice. There is no chance for recovery from his illness, and it is with a heavy heart that we sit and wait. My grandpa is 84.

It has been interesting to be involved with the process of everything. I am thankful for my education and for the ways I can help my family. I am also thankful for the ways I can help my grandpa.

I lost my grandmother on my dad's side when I was 18, and my grandpa on mom's side when I was around 22, and both times it just seemed as if I was out of the loop and not very involved. I think I was just too young to take responsibility for anything. Now I am 27, and more capable of understanding, processing, and staying strong for the family.

At one point my cousin said to me, "You are so good at this, I haven't even seen you cry".

Well, I have cried. But my cries are for selfish reasons. Reasons that consist of "I" and "Me". "I am going to miss grandpa", etc. And not that anything is wrong with that, but I think I am just so obsessed with using every single last second to help grandpa pass with dignity and confidence that he will be the Lord. Also, I think it is so amazing that we have this time with grandpa, and that we have had so many years with him, I am just so happy and thankful for it.

I mean, it sucks. It sucks bad. Life is so hard. But you can't put a price tag on having a chance to say goodbye...

My grandpa is just really awesome. He has lived a wonderful life. My great grandfather was the mayor of Hawthorne, California, and this is the city we all grew up in. My grandpa was very well known in the town, and truly made a great life for himself. He has always taken care of his kids and grandkids with great love, and that is why there is so much love with him today.

More later..

Hello Readers.

2010-12-10T22:11:00.001-08:00

Hi Everyone, I am going to shut down my blog for a few months. I am applying to graduate schools for social work, and I don't really want to be found on any internet type of things. I hope you continue to follow me though, because I will be back in full force once I am accepted (fingers crossed!!)

Love.

Love Netflix

2010-12-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

Netflix has given me the ability to watch movies that I have always wanted to watch, but never have had the chance. During this fall and winter, I have watched a few that are noteworthy, and I want to recommend them to you now:

The Election & Sarah Palin

2010-10-29T23:49:00.001-07:00

The election is 4 days away, and I think everyone has he same thing on their mind - frustration.

The more I think about the candidates running, the more I am confused about how we got to this place. Something that screams at me is MONEY. It's all about the money. How and why Meg W. is able to run for governor boggles my mind. Jerry B.? Didn't he already kind of screw things up like thirty years ago? There HAS to be a better candidate out there. Actually, I KNOW there is a better candidate(s) out there, but I bet they don't have the cash needed to run for office. It's sad, and it's tragic.

In other news, Sarah Palin has a new reality TV show coming out. The commercials keep popping up, and something that she says is driving me bananas. In the preview she says that she would rather be doing this (hanging outdoors), than in some stuffy political office. Whaaaat?! This makes me really angry. This person was extremely close to being the next vice president of this country. And John McCain is OLD. He could have easily gotten sick and died, which would have made Palin THE president of the United States of America. And she just said that she doesn't want to be stuffed in a political office?

All of these things make politics frustrating, exciting, and tiring, all at the same time. I am going to vote, and I encourage you to vote, but I hope that while you do, you won't forget that our system needs some changing in the near future, and I hope you will help to make the change. Real change.

Christians: Taken Advantage Of?

2010-09-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else get super annoyed about how Christians treat Christians? Or even how non-Christians treat Christians?

I feel as if the church, para church organizations, non-Christians, and Christian schools treat Christians "badly" because they know they can get away with it.

EXAMPLE.

Today while I was at Fuller, I was trying to get some things taken care of in the registrar office. The guy at the front desk was anything BUT helpful. He literally was treating me like I was 5 years old, telling me that their office was unable to help me, because they like to encourage everyone to use the internet for answers. I was trying to make a case for the fact that I was present now, and only commute once a week to Pasadena, but he wasn't having it.

So, I wasn't very nice. Or maybe I wasn't that bad, but I knew I wasn't acting in the "Christian ways" that I was probably expected to act like. The systems at Fuller (excuse the french...) suck. Most all of them just really suck. But I feel like a lot of the employees there just feel as if they can get away with this because, as Christians, we won't "cause any problems" in getting our stuff taken care of.

My friends know how I am - I get my way, and I get the job done. I finally had to walk away and just give up on the issue, and I felt so angry at the fact that the only reason I gave up was because I didn't want to be judged as a bad Christian for being pushy.

Another time, I was at work (recently) and I was having a reeeally bad day. Like, just the worst day ever. I was SO busy, and I just didn't have time to be my "cheerful" self, which is fake half of the time (but that's what I get paid for...). One of my coworkers noticed this, and schooled me in how I should be acting because I was Christian. Coming from someone who isn't a Christian, I was like, what the heck? Are you serious right now? Christians can be REAL people too!! But I swallowed my pride and just took the hit as I continuously apologized. Deep down, I don't want any problems, and I have no problem with that coworker, in fact, I like her a lot, but I also am just a human being... I am not Jesus Christ. I can try to be like Him... but I am fallen.

So I started to think about all the other ways that business' and organizations with "Christian" attached to them mistreat people a lot of time. A lot of these places get away with murder, and I don't like it. Or how often do you pray at a public restaurant, are caught by the waitress, and then therefore feel like you have to tip well?

Maybe you think I am being extreme in my statements, but I would like to hear your opinions on this. Have you experienced a time where you felt taken advantage of as a Christian? How do you think a Christian should respond?

Health Insurance Reform

2010-09-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

"After a century of struggle and a year of debate, health insurance reform became law six months ago today -- and this week, key provisions of the Affordable Care Act take effect.

Today, we also celebrate an end to some of the worst insurance company abuses, like rescinding coverage when someone needs it most. Those previously considered uninsurable because of a pre-existing condition -- 400,000 Americans -- now have access to insurance through the Pre-Existing Condition Insurance Plan. And all new health plans must now provide free preventive care, like mammograms, colonoscopies, immunizations, and pre-natal care.

Millions will see expanded benefits -- and more control over the care they receive.

This is real change."

Click here for more stories...

Urban Health Ministry Conference

2010-09-18T23:38:00.001-07:00

Wow - a month since I have last blogged?! Weird.

Well, I am back (for now), and want to share a few things I learned at a conference I went to this past weekend. I went to the "Urban Health Ministry Conference", which was held at Fuller Seminary. I heard about the conference only a few days before it was happening, so I quickly registered, and anxiously awaited Friday. When I arrived Friday evening, I had no idea what to expect, but was welcomed by many wonderful people. Later I learned that the majority of these "wonderful people" were doctors, or med students... a little intimidating to say the least.

The first plenary session was taught by Dr. Rick Donlon, who is a mighty force in Urban Health Ministry. Honestly, before meeting Dr. Donlon, I didn't know that people like him existed. Dr. Donlon was one of the doctors who founded "Christ Community Health Services" (clinics) in Tennessee. After a few years of working there, he realized that he was leaving the "hood" every day to go home to the nice suburbs, where he hid from his neighbors. He had a desire to be IN the community he served. His wife later agreed, and they moved there with their SIX children (2 adopted from China, and his wife is now prego with the 7th).

Dr. Donlon told us heartwarming stories about how he has been able to be 100x more effective because he was not just working in an inner city, but was a part of one completely. Not only does Dr. Donlon run a clinic and live in his neighborhood, his family also hosts "house church", where the neighbors come to worship. They are truly living out a "Christian community", and it's a beautiful thing.

On Saturday the sessions were filled with just as inspiring people. Doctors, nurses, and lay people all had a special part. So I just want to share some random thoughts from the notes I took:

Remember the differences between "heath" and "health care"
Just as there is a huge fear of death in America, there is also a huge fear of losing health
"Life is not a necessity, it is a miracle.. life is to be graciously received"
"Many people pretend to look well, but they are not"
"Fetal prenatal care is a chance for a do-over in many people's minds.. one day it might be considered illegal to have a disabled child..."
"Idolatrous health for ourselves is leaving others without any care"
"We are no more healthy than our sickest neighbor"
2.7 Million people are uninsured in Los Angeles - this is 28.9% of residents
God loves to heal (Jeremiah 33:6, Exodus 15:26, Proverbs 14:31)
"In the health care field, we oppress the poor"
gospel = holistic
"We tend to deny the reality of the impoverished person, assuming they are lazy"

I was so thankful for God providing me a way to attend this conference, as it has inspired me to continue in my endeavors of making some kind of difference within the world of "health" and "health care".

"Friday Night Lights"

2010-08-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

"Friday Night Lights" is the best show.

The entire series has been great, though if you compare season 1 to this last season (4), it will almost be like watching two completely different television shows. The first three seasons are fun, sexy, and cool, as they represent a small little rich football town, while telling stories of football players and cheerleaders. There are good solid stories as the show is based off of a very popular book - "Friday Night Lights".

By the end of the third season, there really is no more story to tell, and rumor had it that the show was going off the air. I was devastated. But they brought it back in all its glory, yet in a very different way.

Not to give too much away, I will be brief:

Season 4 highlighted a not so rich football team and surrounding characters (some new, some old). I didn't know what to think at first, as the stories were incredibly serious. But the show turned into more than just a mind-numbing waste of time, and developed into an hour of captivating, and thought provoking entertainment. Issues of poverty, justice, gangs, pregnancy and abortion, religion, love, racism, losses of a job, being forced to break laws to make a living in this day and age, charity work, life, death, and so much more.

The best part of season 4 is that the acting was phenomenal. There is one episode where the character "Matt Saracen" gave the performance of a lifetime. Character "Vince Howard" is a force each and every episode. "Tim Riggins" is a returning 4 season veteran who just blew me away in the season finale. Also want to mention character "Landry Clarke" who also does a great job, and was also in "Varsity Blues", another fun football movie. Finally, characters "Eric and Tami Taylor" just carry this show each and every episode.

I hear that all seasons are on instant play with Netflix right now, so you could start at the beginning, but just because this season was so different, you could really just pick up at season 4 when they all come out on Hulu.com. I definitely recommend.

two.seven.

2010-08-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again - BIRTHDAY TIME!

I am officially waaay over the 25 hill, and so that means that basically it's all downhill from here. No more exciting milestones. Every birthday will be a tad depressing. If I marry anytime after now, people will secretly whisper, "Whew, that was a close one...".

As teenagers seem to be getting younger and younger these days, I officially feel like the old person that they fear to be. I have also started wearing 70 spf sunscreen on my face while moisturizing twice a day, plus putting on a little eye wrinkle cream, just to ensure I stay young looking as long as possible. No sunlight will ever hit this face again. Tonight I just found out that one of my roommates is 22, so that was a punch to the stomach.

Anyway, enough about me.... well, not really, it's my birthday, so it's all about me.

Here are my 27 goals for my 27th year of life!

#1 - Grow closer to the Lord (a given...)

#2 - Travel some of Europe (a goal that will be posted every year until I make it there)...

#3 - Do stand up comedy in a club (ya, I just thought of this the other day and deemed it a good idea)...

#4 - Get settled and satisfied in a church...

#5 - Visit the Knaup's in DC...

#6 - Visit Erin in Colorado (just so I can for sure accomplish one...)

#7 - Dominate the GRE...

#8 - Get into a really great MSW program, and/or figure out what the heck I am doing in that area...

#9 - Go on date's with my sisters...

#10 -

#11 - Plan and execute a HUGE family Thanksgiving at my house...

#12 - Read 75% of the books that are already on my bookshelf, that have never been read

#13 -

#14 -

#15 - keep it real...

#16 -

#17 - Watch more movies...

#18 - Go on a reeeally stellar road trip...

#19 - Watch "The Union Line" make it to the Billboard Top 40...

#20 - Write more...

#21 -

#22 - Pray more

#23 - Visit Maritza in Seattle...

#24 -

#25 -

#26 -

#27 -

Ya, it's pretty much all about me...

2010-08-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

Last year on my 25th BDAY, I made of list of goals for the next year. I am lovin' that I did this, because it is so fun to see how things have progressed. So today I will see how I did, and then tomorrow I will post my new year's goals. :)

#1 - Grow closer to the Lord (a given...) - Definitely happened! In new and unique ways!

#2 - Travel some of Europe - Still hasn't happened... boo.

#3 - Hang with the fam more - I rocked this goal of mine! Feeling closer to the fam than ever before!

#4 - Get involved in a really good home group - Also didn't happen, but I DID try...

#5 - Do something that I am really scared of (and ya, I already know what this is...) - Done and DONE!!!

#6 - Learn how to cook better - Well, I learned more of my mother's recipe's...

#7 - Be more encouraging - I think I did reeeally well with this one :)

#8 - Explore areas of California I have never seen before - Ummm, I went to Berkeley for the first time - it's beautiful there.

#9 - read.read.read.more. - fail, fail, fail.

#10 - Disciple more, and BE discipled, more - well, I was discipled more...

#11 - Not to miss, the one thing, that was missing, from my 26th birthday - ACCOMPLISHED!

#12 - Read 75% of the books that are already on my bookshelf, that have never been read - This is for year 27...

#13 - STILL be driving my car! - Failed. Got a new ride - Toyota Corolla

#14 - Visit Erin in Colorado - I am going in 2 weeks!!!

#15 - be.more.real - it feels great to be more real... never stopping that one.

#16 - blog more - major fail. but this next year looks veeeery promising...

#17 - Watch all 10 seasons of "Friends" - If I would have remembered this one I would have made it happen! I am in season 9! Gah!

#18 - Take my mom to NYC (and see Jon Stewart live) - I had tickets to Jon Stewart, but never made it there so I had to cancel them. Sigh.

#19 - Use my Disneyland pass A LOT - Majorly failed, and not renewing that ish.

#20 - Get rid of more of my things I don't need - Trying. It's a work in progress.

#21 - Buy a camera (mine broke) - Ha. I am still satisfied with my iPhone cam.

#22 - Pray more - Always a goal of mine...

#23 - Listen more - For SURE did this, and loving it!

#24 - Finish the bible study I am writing - Uhhh, negatory.

#25 - Spend more time with my friends - YUP!

#26 - FIGURE OUT MY LIFE! ;) - Well, I am kind of there, but kind of not...

work work work

2010-08-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Frustrated.

Perpetually frustrated is more like it. Why can't things ever just be easy?

The job market has not been kind to me lately, as things have taken a turn for the worst in the medical field. People are unemployed, and therefore have no insurance, and therefore do not see doctors, and therefore do not come to hospitals. This, in turn, has caused a great decrease in patients at the ICU I am so lucky to "work" for. While our ICU usually holds anywhere between 22 to 34 patients, we have been hitting all time low numbers of EIGHT.

EIGHT.

8888 8888

When this happens, I receive phone calls at 5am on the day I am supposed to work saying, "Don't come in, we don't need you." While this makes me feel a little insecure, usually the thought going through any sane persons mind would be - "Whooooopi!!!! I don't have to work today!!!!!!"

But when the "at home" days outweigh the working days, and all your PTO (paid time off) is gone, the word "Whoopi" is not something that goes through a persons mind. It's more like a word that starts with an "S", ends with a "T", and has an "HI" in the middle of it, that is going through my mind.

SO here I am. Carrie Allen. Started working when I was 15 years old at a bagel shop, and moved myself all the way up the ladder (of nothing really), to get to this point. All I do is WORK. Work work work. I worked 2 jobs through community college, worked through Biola, worked through graduate school. I have never taken a break. I have literally never had more than 2 weeks off of work. I have never traveled to Europe for months on end... I have never even traveled to friggin' Europe! I haven't done a lot of things, because my whole life has been about working hard. And even now, all I want to do is just study for the GRE, take it, and finish some kind of graduate school. But noooo, life had to throw this in the mix.

Well I am tired of it. I got bitter, and angry... for like a day. And then I realized, wait, if I have been working all of this time, then I have a "pot". Oh no you naughty thang, not that kind of "pot", but the kind us Obama lovers like to bring up all the time - an unemployment pot. For the past 12 years it has been getting filled up with MY money, and now it's my time to take some back for the team!

So what am I going to do the rest of the summer? Well, I am not going to Europe, but I am going to lay by the pool a lot and sleep in... live off the pennies of an unemployment check, and maybe a part-time job at Starbucks. Yup, that's what I will do...

Who You Are.

2010-07-30T00:41:00.000-07:00

Death has become a peculiar thing.

It's something that people do not like to think about - especially Americans. As a self-centered nation, we don't think that it will ever really happen to us, or even happen around us. And yet, it does. Every single day, it does.

And because we don't think about death, we don't think about the consequences of how we behave.

"What do you mean I have lung cancer?!"

"Well, sir, you have smoked for the past 30 years of your life..."

Because we don't think about death, we don't consider our everlasting impressions.

"I hate you".

"Well, sweetheart, I don't hate you."

Because we don't think about death, we don't imagine what it will be like to suffer in the end. Maybe from cancer... maybe from old age... maybe from a terrible car accident. Either way, no one really talks about it, and in the end, too often than not, life is not treated with dignity.

I recently watched the movie, "Wit", and was surprised at how accurate the film portrayed hospital life. Unbelievably accurate. The movie is based on a middle-aged woman dying from cancer. She agrees to be a part of very intense chemotherapy treatments, but to no avail. This woman goes from being a highly esteemed scholar, to just another "no-name" in a hospital full of people who are "too busy". In the end, there are two main conclusions:

(1) This woman has a revelation that she could have been kinder throughout her life, and regrets all the time she spent working on intellectual "wit", instead of building any kind of relationship. The person with her at her death (and subsequently, the only visitor she ever received) was her advisor from her PhD studies.

And (2), as the hospital messes up her DNR status due to a faulty resident, she is stripped of her clothes and CPR is begun. This pursues even though it is obvious to the audience that she has been dead for quite a while now. In death, not only is she alone, but her dignity is taken from her. The only person who is remotely close to being her advocate is her beloved nurse, who has taken great care of her. The nurse yells for everyone to leave as she shows them all the DNR. Everyone makes their remarks under their breath, which sound so childish as the watcher has become close to this now, dead, woman. The nurse covers her up, and tries to fix the situation as best as possible. This flashes the watchers brain back to 20 minutes prior when the resident chuckles and asks the beloved nurse with an arrogant tone, "What do they even teach you in nursing school?"

Life goes on for everyone. The woman is remembered for her scholarly contribution. There are no children, no friends, no lover... nothing. Now, I cannot say this in itself is a bad thing. An individual chooses how their life is going to play out (most of the time), and so we are able to choose what we are to be remembered for. And so I leave you with this last and final thought:

Who you are in this life, will be utterly obvious, in your death.

Nate Henn: Forever in Our Hearts.

2010-07-13T01:39:00.001-07:00

With the Tragic Death of Invisible Children's, Nate Henn, I am reminded of how short, and fleeting, life is. I didn't know Nate personally, but when you become involved with IC, it's kind of like a sorority/fraternity; everyone is family. I may not have known Nate, but he was family to me, and to so many of us. I spent today mourning the loss of Nate, praying for his family, my friends within the IC staff who lost a co-worker, Nate's girlfriend, everyone affected by this tragedy. I surfed the web for any sign of a story that would dispute what had already been broadcasted throughout the world. I very much wanted Nate to be alive and breathing once again. I sought comfort through God's word, and asked Him to give peace to so many. But mostly, I sat inspired by Nate's life, and felt ready to take action, to continue the fight that Nate ultimately has died for.

Nate worked with IC in San Diego, was a Roadie, and will forever be remembered as "Oteka" - Strong One. He was 25, and had finally made it to Uganda, which had been a long time dream of his. To all of our devastation, Nate was killed while watching the final game of the World Cup on a Rugby Field in Kampala. The people responsible were terrorists - suicide bombers to be exact. The ocean deep irony is what pierces my heart, as I think about what Nate was fighting for, and how he died. Is "peace", "love", or "justice" ever a bad thing? Is "hate", "murder", or "genocide" ever a good thing? With everything that Nate was, he was fighting against the cause of his death.

Not only was Nate killed in this horrendous attack, but 74 other people were as well. Within the 74, mostly Ugandan's were taken from us, which is also very much like 74 family members being taken as well. If you love Invisible Children, then you loooove Uganda and her people.

In Nate's honor, I also want to take a moment to remember THE actual bombers. Christ tells us to love our enemies, and seek peace. These bombers... "they do not know what they are doing"... as they are brain washed, and raised to be killers, just like the army that Nate was fighting against (LRA). We must remember to pray for these radical terrorists, as they are still thinking that it is a wonderful thing to kill Ugandans and Americans.

To everyone's ultimate shock, we also got wind of the news that Nate's brother was in a plane crash on his way to his parents home. We praise God tonight that Nate's brother is fine. Yet, we also mourn for the pilot who was killed, and for the co-pilot who is in critical condition.

Lord, how much more can this family handle?

what.a.day.

What an eye opening day.

As IC's website so beautifully posted:

"Nate worked with us at Invisible Children for a year and a half and leaves behind a legacy of honor, integrity, and service. From traveling the United States without pay advocating for the freedom of abducted child soldiers in Joseph Kony’s war, to raising thousands of dollars to put war-affected Ugandan students in school, Nate lived a life that demanded explanation. He sacrificed his comfort to live in the humble service of God and of a better world, and his is a life to be emulated."

Nate >>>

Your life will never be looked at as "in vain". People will remember you as an activist, peacemaker, Christ serving, loving, giving, and genuine man. You will forever be remembered in people's hearts who you never have even met. People will be inspired by you, and what you have done in your short life. You will never, ever be forgotten.

Nate's family is asking for donations to be made to a fund that will go towards another generation of young kids who want to go on the road to spread the good news about IC. Find more here.

And if for some crazy reason I have never talked with you about IC, contact me and let me share with you... in honor of Nate.

Nail in a Tire.

2010-07-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have the worse trouble with cars.

Every single time I have extra money, something goes wrong. So now, I plan for it. I had worked a bunch of over time and I knew my paycheck was going to be significantly larger than normal, and so I planned to get new tires (booooring). I am taking a trip up north for my birthday in August, and I knew that 2 of my tires were not in the best shape.

But you all know how it is - once the money is in the bank, the LAST thing you want to buy is tires. So, the plan was to procrastinate. Telling myself how I could make it 14 hours round trip with unhealthy tires. God had other plans...

God basically just came down from the sky, put a nail in my tire, and led me off of the freeway safely. First off, the nail was in one of the hurt tires, so I don't have to get 3 replaced. Second, now I am forced to get new tires for the safety of myself and my friends. Third, God had it pop right by a police station so I had somewhere of a nice place to park and wait for the AAA guy (I don't think God had planned for the drunk guy who wanted to be my boyfriend, and said if the tow truck guy never came, he could have fixed my tire)... but I was still safe.

I have never been more calm about a popped tire in my life, because I just knew it was... right.

And even when the drunk guy kept asking me where "my man was to help me", I finally said, "I can take care of myself." To which he replied, "Ohhhh guuurllll, you like a Beyonce independent woman or somethin' or whaaaat?" "Exactly", I replied. "A Beyonce Independent women is what I am."

"You Are My Hiding Place"

2010-06-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today was rough.

Work can be rough.

People can be difficult.

For about 30 seconds I had a pity party with myself, and thought about how I was SO tired of fighting for myself, all by myself. Sometimes I just want someone to stick up for me. Sometimes being single doesn't help with this battle...

But then God pretty much instantly reminded me that He was my protector.

"You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Selah"

-Psalm 32:7

"for he guards the course of the just

and protects the way of his faithful ones."

Proverbs 2:8

It's easy to worry about the future... what could be. It's easy to try and control things with your own two hands, and your own set of lips. It's easy to become discouraged because you feel as if the powers at be may be against you.

But today, today I felt like God really had my back. In one moment so vulnerable, and the next - covered by the shield of the Lord.

Thank you, Lord.

Job Fair

2010-06-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

I went to my first job fair today.

Very interesting.

I wasn't looking. I was there in support of a friend, and I looked the part in my hat and jeans. Hey, it's my day off.

Thoughts that came into my mind while there...

#1 - Hey, maybe there will be cute guys here... wait, they are all unemployed. Fail.

#2 - Woa, that lady smells like alcohol. Hopefully there are liquor stores here recruiting.

#3 - I'm loving the cool dude in skinny jeans and a suit jacket trying to talk with law offices. Not. Come on! Jeans?!

#4 - Why are there 6 Aflac booths? And why are they covered in huge stuffed animal ducks? Maybe the duck thing has gone too far.

All in all it was a great experience. Of course it was a people-watching hayday, and I looove that. I was so encouraged by the people who were really trying to get a job. Times are tough right now, and these people are working hard to find work. I can appreciate that.

It's days like these that make me very thankful for the awesome and perfect fitting job that I have right now. God's hands in my life are so clear, as He has prepared me specifically to work where I do now during this transitional and changing time in my life. Very thankful for all that I have.

To all of you looking for work - be encouraged, because there seems to be a quite a few jobs out there in Orange County!!

In Awe.

2010-05-31T00:08:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I have been overwhelmed by God's grace.

Hope to be still in this all week.

God is good.

Celebrating Mom.

2010-05-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

Aren't mothers wonderful?

My mom is pretty amazing (to say the least). When I was 1 month, my parents brought me home (... adopted). Apparently I never wore the same outfit twice for many years, and have the pictures to prove it.

When I was a two-year old screaming and crying in church (like usual apparently), some guy told my mom that his daughter did the same thing, and now she's a nun. The devils at work even when you're a baby.

My mom bought Disneyland passes for me and my friends when I was 5, and picked us up from school and took us there... a lot.

When I was 7, God gave my mom a natural child. It was a miracle. She was 41, and had never been able to great pregnant.

When I was 9, my mom decided to try fertility treatments and had twins.

Now there were 4.

When my dad acted not so great at the age of 12, my mom made him his favorite dinner.

When I got suspended from school when I was 13, my mom didn't ground me because I had straight A's. If only that would have motivated me...

When I was 14, my mom reminded me that if I ever got pregnant, I could come to her, and she would never abandon me.

When I was 16, I lied a big lie. My mom covered for me.

For my senior prom, my mom came up with the idea of my entire family leaving the house, while I had a raging after party.

My mom believed in Jesus, even when I hated God. Now we both have faith through Jesus.

When I turned 18, I became too cool for my mom. Didn't really want to spend time with my mom.

And yet, she got me a job, paid for my college, paid for a lot of things really, bought me new tires when they popped, brought me flowers on Valentines day, cooked me dinner every night, took my side with everything, worked her butt off, and always reminded me that she loved me.

Now that I am older, and I can see the world for what it is, I have realized that not a lot of people are as lucky as me to have a mother like I do. Or even, have a mother. Even my mother lost her mother when she was 19. I can't imagine how much my mother must have hurt. My mom is so strong.

People ask me all the time, "Don't you want to meet your birth parents"? When I say "no", people are always surprised. You may wonder why. Well, I don't like to be disappointed, and I know that whoever my birth mother is, could never live up to the woman who has MY mother all these years. I am thankful for my birth mother's selfless act, and I hope that a bit of her compassion and dignity rubbed off on me in the womb, but I have no connection to her. MY mother is who I am bound with.

My mother is the one person on this earth who I know will never forsake me. This is love. So much love. It blows my mind when Jesus tells us to love strangers with that same love, because in my head I think - only a mother could do that.

I am so thankful for what my mother has done for me, and continues to do today. And every single day, I thank God for giving us one more day together.

Arizona's Immigration Laws

2010-05-01T13:12:00.001-07:00

It's been an incredible couple of weeks with the signing of the new Arizona immigration laws. They were revised just yesterday to include changes that would require police officers to question legal status ONLY if they are stopped for some reason (ie. traffic violation). Before that change, it was encouraged to seek out illegal immigrants, ask for their papers and if they didn't have them, to deport them. Most will say, "there is no difference" in Friday's change. I tend to agree. Unfortunately, law officers are not always the most honest people in the world, and tend to use their power unlawfully. So I am sure many illegal immigrants will be pulled over for "traffic violations", who were doing nothing wrong.

There are many people who have some fierce opinions on this issue, but instead of blatantly telling you mine, I just want to bring up some facts/issues/point that have been weighing heavily on my mind and my heart in regards to this issue. I am going to keep religion out of this one, and base the following statements on history and little facts.

-------------------------------------------------

#1 - When people do things that are classified as "illegal" in America, they are punished. Whether it's with jail or a ticket that must be paid, most of us have had to pay the price for doing an illegal act over the time of our lives. But for some reason in America, no one is ever really punished for living in America "illegally".

>>>I think of my friend Simone who is from South Africa - she had to go through A LOT of trouble to get into America legally, and is finally taking her citizenship test in a couple months. She has done everything right, paid a lot of money for it, and has gone through many trials to get there, but she did it.

#2 - I checked out California's medi-cal benefits, and Arizona's medi-caid benefits, and was surprised to find that anyone (even if you are an illegal immigrant) could get health benefits and welfare if you lived in California. In Arizona, you HAD to be not only a US Citizen, but an Arizona resident. When it comes to this matter, Arizona's laws make sense to me... Especially because California illegal immigrants are pushing $3 Million, and Arizona has a measly $500,000.

#3 - Is the US being hypocritical? The US is FOUNDED on illegal immigration. Unless you are full-on American Indian, then you have no right to say anything about illegal immigrants not getting a fair shot. Unfortunately, it seems as if anger over immigration is tied to racism and greed. Even in the 1930's, when white people immigrated it wasn't much of a problem. But at one point between the years of 1929 - 1930, 500,000 Mexicans were deported back to Mexico from the United States.

>>>>The first American law in regards to immigration was the Naturalization Act of 1790, which stated that "any free white man" with "good moral character" could become a legal citizen of the US.

>>>In 1913, the American Indians were stripped of their legal status and land.

This was overturned in 1952

>>Immigration was shut down during the Great Depression

#4 - In the 80's, there were only 500,000 illegal immigrants migrating to the US on a YEARLY basis.

#5 - In 1990, President Bush signed an Immigration Act that allowed 700,000 more illegal immigrants enter the US, per YEAR. Since 1986, congress has passed SEVEN amnesties for illegal immigrants.

>>>>>How is it fair that the US seemed to have an "open door" policy since 1990,

and now one state just wants to change their mind?

#6 - Illegal immigrants pay about $7 billion into social security every year.

#7 - Most children from illegal immigrants are citizens of the US because they were born here. It's the parents and grandparents who are illegal. And if they are deported in Arizona, looks like they will need to hire more social workers to place all these kids in foster homes, as they literally rip families apart.

#8 - This issue is too closely related to "genocide", and it makes me very nervous. Jews were always allowed to live in peace until Hitler came along and changed the rules around. What was first - they were required to carry around their papers, and wear a Jewish star on their clothes to identify who they were. We all know what happened from there...

Parenthood

2010-04-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

I briefly already said it, but I have to remind you all - I LOVE THIS SHOW.

The writing is phenomenal, and the acting is brilliant. The stories are amazing, and the warmth my heart feels after watching each and every episode is magnificent.

To top it off - the music selection is superb, as the last episode played selections from amazing bands such as - Spoon, and Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah (what?!). Throughout the season we have had Amos Lee, Peter Bjorn and John, Iron and Wine, Wilco, Grizzly Bear, and Bob Dylan. TV is made so much better when during a great moment, one of the greatest artists in history starts singing.

Parenthood is not strictly a comedy or a drama, but it is an hour-long late night show that tells you the stories of LIFE. It is based off of (my favorite movie of all time, no joke) "Parenthood", a very popular movie from the 80's, with Steve Martin.

For more info, or to watch for free - click here. It'll make your heart warm and fuzzy.

oh.my.gosh.

2010-04-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

We MUST be honest with ourselves and realize where the money went from the bank bailouts. Michael Moore will help you understand this.

Let me be completely honest here - I am a huge fan of Michael Moore, but I hadn't seen his new movie on capitalism until today. Call it a conspiracy, call it an result of the recession, but Moore's movie could not be found on netflix or in Blockbuster until RECENTLY, which is crazy to me because it was released SO long ago.

Alright, SO, I finally got a hold of a copy of the documentary and watched it tonight, and I am seriously so incredibly shocked right now.

I have a fair amount of education in the area of economics, recent bank bailouts, health care reform etc. etc. And I am telling YOU - democrat and republicans ALL to blame - YOU, as an American Citizen, need to watch this film.

I know that a lot of you think that Moore leans left throughout his entire films, but I am telling you, this is NOT the case for this film. Moore exposes the wrongs of both democrats and republicans, for their deals with big business. The interviews Moore has with HIGH HIGH HIGH people in these areas, and old tapes of former presidents are shocking. SHOCKING.

I know I can usually be more leftist (because I am), but please just forget about that for a moment and watch this movie. I have it, I will come over and watch it with you.

I also want to be clear that Moore doesn't attack capitalism - he attacks the bail outs. It's true, he explains capitalism, and shows the affects of capitalism (or the recession and bank bailouts), but he doesn't try to make you a socialist the whole time, he just presents the info. Then you decide what to do with it.

WATCH THIS FILM!!!

Guilty Pleasure

2010-04-17T01:12:00.000-07:00

The words speak so many truths though...

Sex Trafficking in Orange County

2010-04-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

This past week/weekend I had the immense privilege of helping/attending a wonderful fundraiser event for a non-profit organization called, "iSanctuary". This organization was dreamed up, and started by a young girl named Stephanie, who now lives full-time in India. Stephanie has started a jewelry making business, and she employs women who have been rescued from sex trafficking. The jewelry is fabulous, the women are paid great wages for the work that they do. The fundraising event was specifically held because they are trying to raise money to start an Orange County office. Some may think that is silly, as sex trafficking does not happen in the United States, but unfortunately this is not the case.

Sex trafficking is rampant not only throughout the world, but all through the United States as well. It's hard to know exact number, but the estimates for trafficked children in the US is somewhere between 100,000 and 300,000. Most women and children who are trafficked, have been promised a better life in the States through working at restaurants or clothing stores, and realize that they are in trouble when it is too late.

Have you ever read through a newspaper, or an "OC Weekly" and skimmed through the ads in the back? The ads where is shows a young Asian girl offering massages? Those places are sex trafficking places. The women who work in those parlors are there against their own will, and have no way of escaping. It is so disgusting to me that we even have this problem, as men take up these offers of sexual interaction.

Right here in our own backyards this is happening.

So I am asking you to pray. There are many different Orange County organizations that are trying to (1) Fight against trafficking, and (2) Place the women into rehabilitation programs. The problem is - they are not working together. The one thing that really struck me in my homelessness class last quarter, was that people working in the areas of homelessness were not receiving enough money until they were working together to write their grant requests, etc. The same kind of comradery needs to happen within the sex trafficking in Orange County, and Southern California on a whole. And most importantly, awareness needs to continue to be raised, as we fight this local battle.

Happy Monday

2010-04-12T17:34:00.001-07:00

The Sweet Things in Life...

2010-04-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

I know that life can be incredibly difficult at times, but I also know that there are sweet sweet times to cherish as well. The older I get, the rougher it gets, so the sweet times come in the big and small things.

Getting straight A's in grad school (oh, so sweet!)
Spending time in hopes to help stop human trafficking
Watching this new show called "Parenthood" - it makes me cry, and my heart go pitter patter (it's based off my FAVORITE movie of all time - "Parenthood"; the stories are stellar, and the music selection is magical)
Hearing that my aunt's cancer is g.o.n.e. after her first session of chemo
Europe in the fall with my mama
Thanking God for many friendships, but at this moment in time - sustaining my relationships with Cam, Tita, and B
Reading amazing blog posts written by my good friend, Matt
NPR
All the blessings that my job brings
The joy of just "taking a break"
Amazon's - buy 3 books get one free
Erin Bowen
Wonderful family
Living close to the beach
Rock Harbor - starting in a life group soon
And of course, the one constant - Jesus Christ

Shopping.

2010-04-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

I was out shopping the other day and I found myself running into two very peculiar things.

#1 - The Ultimate Coke Machine

This machine is outta controoool! I found it at the Rubio's in Tustin, and basically you can pick from over 100 drinks! So when I rolled up to the machine, I was ecstatic to find DIET sprite (which you can never find in a machine), but even THEN, when I clicked on the "diet sprite" option, it said I could have - "diet cherry sprite", "diet raspberry sprite", diet orange sprite"... seriously, there were SEVEN different kinds of diet sprite! Whaaaat?! It was purely amazing.

#2 - CVS Coupon finally paid off...

This one is especially for Simone because we always rant on about CVS coupons. But look at this little gem they gave me the other day - $8.50! I thought there was a catch - like $8.50 off a $2,000 purchase. But no, the guy said to me, "It's just like money, spend it however you like..." Ah yes, music to my sweet little ears...

Classic John Dunne

2010-03-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

Soooo great. :)

Franciscan Benediction

2010-03-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

May God bless you with discomfort
at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears
to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you can make a difference in the world,
so that you can do what others claim cannot be done,
to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen

I’ll see your health care plan, and I’ll raise you a decrease on abortion.

2010-03-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

For my more “conservative” brothers and sisters…

Let me pose a question to you – could the proposed health care plan for America*, help to decrease abortion?

Since the issue of abortion seems to be all Christians care about in America, I thought I would connect the dots a little, and get your brain waves a thinkin’...

The fact is, most women who have abortion’s do it because they are scared. I just talked to a woman the other day who told me that if her pregnancy tests come up positive for some kind of birth defect (down syndrome specifically), that she will definitely abort. Needless to say, I was a little speechless. I thought to myself, “I will adopt that baby”…

It was no coincidence that within the same day, I also had a conversation with another woman who told me about her experience with her son who has special needs. He is older now, and it was a huge goal of hers to get him out into the world, but under a special board and care. She said that his whole life it was incredibly difficult to get any help from the state or federal government.

Lets talk basics here – the special needs adult cannot work, and therefore cannot obtain healthcare, and can’t stay on his parents plan forever. How is this fair… just… right?

If the special needs mom, talks to the prego mom, it’s no wonder that prego would want to have an abortion. She would never be able to afford a special needs baby…

Though this situation might seem rare, I beg to say that it’s not; and it is an issue that needs to be addressed.

Another thought: if health care is obtainable for everyone, and there is more of an emphasis on preventative care, maybe young women will visit their doctors early on in age, and find them to be someone they can confide in, and be educated by.

I remember being young, and my doctor asking my mother to step out of the room so she could talk to me alone. In that conversation, things got personal, and I also felt safe with her. She explained what “safe sex” was (which trust me, A LOT of people do NOT receive this education). She explained the risks to me… pregnancy… STD’s… emotional scars. She also gave me a little talk on men in general, and the beauty of abstinence.

I came into my teen years a well educated and prepared youth, who knew the facts. And to be honest, most of my education about sex, abortion, and birth control, came from my doctor and my friends. So I am not sure where I would be today without my doctor.

*I want to be clear that I am specifically focusing on the health care plan that Obama has proposed and NOT Universalized health care. Yes, there is a difference...

"Sermon on the Mount" - For you, and you and you and you??...

2010-02-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been able to write for way too long, as I have been busy with a move, and currently, my internet at home isn’t working. Needless to say, I have been doing a lot more reading... (which is definitely a good thing).

As I have been doing my reading, I came upon an assigned book written by Fuller’s Christian Ethics professor – Glen Stassen. It’s called, “Living the Sermon on the Mount”. The book overall isn't something to rave about, but the overall idea is pretty fascinating. The theory is that the “sermon on the mount” is not only for Christians, but for everyone. Stassen turns Martin Luther King’s view on the church and state upside-down, as he expresses his view that the church should not be the sole responsibility for helping the poor, and living an honest life, because God has created all people in His image (whether they believe in Him or not), and so all should feel a responsibility towards the morals that Jesus gives in His "sermon". This, in turn, would make it a priority for the Christian to fight for human rights (and other things), within the political arena.

Fascinating!

My professor is passionate about our country providing healthcare for everyone, and treating illegal immigrants with love and dignity; he is a great man.

Though this blog entry is not supposed to be focused on universal healthcare (that will come later…), I would like you take this issue into consideration as you think about this “sermon on the mount” theory.

Does it seem to make sense for everyone to be under this “rule”? And if everyone obeyed what Jesus had to say on the mount, would the world be a better place?

with everything.

2010-02-09T00:41:00.001-08:00

i'm a Christ follower. a Christian. a Jesus lover.

sometimes i get lost in the crowd...

lost in the busyness of the day... week... month...

sometimes i become so distracted, i forget to think about God.

... i wonder where He went>>>>>

it's hard when the church, doesn't appear to be the church you would think She would be.

am i being the church, that my heart desires?

.................................................................................................

walls.walls.walls.walls.walls.walls.walls.

walls.walls.walls.walls.walls.walls.

walls.walls.walls.walls.walls.

walls.walls.walls.walls.

walls.walls.walls.

walls.walls.

walls.

they build themselves so easily.

and sometimes, it's hard to see the light...

but when you can't see the light, just look for the darkness... Because wherever you look, the answer will stay the same... the truth, will the stay the same.

........................................

He's undeniable.

.....................................................

maybe I forget about Him for a bit, but He never forgets about me.

So,

it's with everything.

with everything.

that I will shout for His praise.

and it's with everything.

with everything.

that i will shout. for. his. glory.

click.

Best New Comedy of 09/10

2010-02-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

From watching a dad try to be his kids "best friend", and old guy marrying a beautiful foreign woman, and two gay guys adopting an asian baby, this is the best new comedy on television this year. If you haven't watched, then I am sorry. But you can start by taking a gander at this new episode.

Lost Thoughts: Final Season Episode One

2010-02-03T20:01:00.001-08:00

Sawyer makes me want to fall in love with him, as he tries to save Juliet.
That blue Volkswagen has been through A LOT of stuff!
Jack's attempts to save Charlie in the bathroom were ridiculous.
Black smoke! What?! Now I have to go re-watch the entire freaking series!
"I have to tell you something... it's really, really important"... are you kidding me right now?!?!
Why is there ALWAYS another crew to kidnap the oceanic crew? Stewardess... whaaaaat?
Where is home, "Locke"?
Richard better not be dead.
If someone is alive in Locke, I think Jacob is alive in Sayid...

Though I don't really have any idea what is happening in the show, it's like I have my old friends back in town again. Love love love it.

The end of an era...

2010-02-01T13:17:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard, I moved from my cozy little condo in Aliso Viejo, to an even cozier little condo in Fullerton. I am loving it. I basically feel like I have my own little studio, because the upstairs portion of the condo is a bedroom, a little nook area, and a bathroom, and it's all mine!

This past weekend was crAzy, as I keep realizing that I would have so much less stuff to move if I didn't have a huge book collection. It's frustrating, but I neeeed my books. I was very proud of myself as I drove a 15 foot truck ALL day, by myself. I received some really weird looks from people, and some comments were made from women about how they "could never drive one of those". I would have said that too 4 days ago, but I really want to start being more independent. Although I relied on my friends and family to help me move, I wanted to organize the entire move by myself - independently. I love that I am becoming more independent; it gives me a huge source of strength for every aspect of my life.

It was definitely a bittersweet move, as I am moving away from my entire life in south OC, and continuing on with my life in north OC (closer to my Biola peeps now). It was also hard moving from the Aliso Viejo townhome, because I can't even count how many memories from my early 20's happened there. If you don't know, some of my guy friends lived in that house before I did, so my friends and I have been hanging out in that house for a long time. It was hard to say goodbye...

It was hard to say goodbye, and a few months ago I didn't want to say goodbye. It was a great house, in a great city, and I could have been totally comfortable living there for a long time. But I don't think that's who I am. If I stay in the same place all the time, then I am never experiencing new things. And "new things" is what I want my life to be filled with.

So, I am only in this little house in Fullerton for 4 months (I know, I am crazy), and then I am not sure what comes after that. But doesn't that make life a bit more exciting? I think so...

Haiti.

2010-01-27T15:59:00.000-08:00

As everyone knows, Haiti has been the talk of the world in the last few weeks. Unfortunately, Haiti is already THE poorest county in the Western Hemisphere, and being hit by a huge earthquake does not help the problem.

I have been hesitant to write about this tragic event because a lot of factors that came alongside it really make me angry. And I have a feeling a lot of people will be automatically upset, or offended, when I say how I feel, but I hope that what I have to say will challenge at least one person to change their ways, and myself too.

#1 - Pat Robertson.

>> Mr. Robertson is known as a conservative evangelical pastor, and when he heard the news of what was happening, he decided to come out and say:

The Haitians "were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever," Robertson said on his broadcast Wednesday. "And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.' True story. And so, the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' "

Okay, so even if this story was legitimately 100% true, why would you even mention that aspect of things, rather than just saying that you are praying for the people of Haiti or something? But, since the main problem with this is that this story is a folklore, Robertson has just made every single evangelical Christian look completely insane. Good work, Robertson. Not.

#2 - I know it might sounds stupid, but it really upsets me that everyone who does not care about anyone but themselves, comes out during a tragedy like this, and acts like they really care. And they probably do, but usually it only lasts a few days, and I think that that is the real tragedy. I really want to know the statistic of Americans who first learned that Haiti was even a country because of this earthquake.

I have been to protests, slept overnight in fields, and I have sat for hours in the sun to make people aware of the social injustice's in the world. Everyone looks at me like I am crazy, and because I am Christian, I am apparently the worst kind of Christian - a "liberal" one.

Well you know what, me and my friends have cared about Haiti for a long time. And we have been concerned about them and their poverty level for years. Why didn't anyone want to help before? Now... now, it's just a real mess.

#3 - This might sound reeeally horrible of me, but this story about the Mission Viejo missionaries who were in Haiti on a missions trip, and then flew out on a private jet through one ladies husband's company, really upsets me. As soon as I read that article, I asked God, "God, please don't ever give me a heart that wouldn't drop everything in my life to stay."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I guess the point of this blog is to just remind people that are many injustice's in the world, happening everyday. There are many people suffering, and I highly affirm the fact that Christians need to be very aware of these situations. And once you become aware, don't stop there - take action. give.give.give. however you can, just give of yourself.

Finally, there is one organization that I am POSITIVE of the fact that all the money will go towards helping Haitians. This organization is called "Hope Force", and I highly recommend that you check out their website, and give what you can.

Fight On.

2010-01-20T01:36:00.000-08:00

Well you know me, always moving on to the next "best thing". Though my graduation from Fuller is still over a year away, my studies up until now have inspired me to move further in the same direction that I constantly am taking one step forward, and two steps back, in.

As I mentioned before, one of my assignments this quarter is to write a new public policy for Pasadena. I have never been so excited for something in my whole life. It's all I think about, and research on the internet. We have also talked a lot about social work. How I have avoided this profession for so long, I honestly don't know, but I think it's time to start seriously considering it. As I dream of writing public policies for social programs, and changing the world, I am led to many degree programs that are 3-year long Masters of Public Policy and Social Work. Though my increasing age is the scary part, the possibility of stepping into this field is thrilling.

At this point, my main choice would be UCLA. The location is great, the price is right, and the dual degree program is brilliant. The more and more I look into programs (and my heart desires to stay in California at this time), UCLA seems to be the one. Of course I would apply to other schools as a backup, but UCLA's program seems fantastic.

But there is a problem.

It's UCLA.

I swear to you, from the beginning of my life until now, I have been brainwashed by my father to love, and only love, USC. And to hate, UCLA. Could it be that the biggest dream of my life (attending a college with a football team) could be fulfilled with a team that I have hated for 26 years? Why must USC's tuition be $40,000 per year?

Though this post might sound like I am being silly, I am actually being really serious. I am haunted by this. I always swore up and down, that I would never, ever, apply to UCLA.

Can my hate be overcome? Will I be able to attend UCLA, and attend every single football game, except when they play USC (I will just sleep through that whole day, and act like it's not happening). Will I be able to raise MY own children to love USC, though I have attended UCLA?

So anyway, social work... public policy. What do you think? (But most importantly, what do you think about this football dilemma?)....

Question for you...

2010-01-14T02:02:00.001-08:00

Why do you want to have kids? Or, why DID you have kids? Be honest. Give me all of the reasons...

Shake it, come on shake shake it...

2010-01-12T01:48:00.000-08:00

There have been quite a few earthquakers over here in the OC lately. Well, not exactly hitting the OC, but near the OC.

For both of the recent ones, I was in my room, on the second floor of my townhome, sitting on my bed. During the first one I was awakened from my sleep, and all I could think of was - "Woooo, this is kind of like a Disneyland ride." Yes, I was still half asleep, but I was definitely feeling the rolling.

For last nights quaker, I literally thought a car had crashed into my home. The quake was loud (though I don't remember earthquakes making noises... they do), and it was a little scary. My whole room was shaking pretty hard, and as I sat there and pondered whether or not this was the "big one" or not, I still didn't move an inch. I was also too lazy to investigate the whole car crashing deal, and was even too lazy to search for news on the internet. So instead, I went to facebook, and posted my thoughts in hopes that someone else would do the research for me, and they did, and I was lead to this article.

In the OC Register article, they said that the OC felt the quake as "mild". My thoughts on this were - if the quake is ever "severe" in Aliso Viejo, this house is going down. Hopefully there will be no more earthquakes until February, as I will already be moved in to my new place in Fullerton.

Stay strong. Stay steady. And stay sexy.

======couldn't think of another "s" word.

Posi/Neg's about Fuller

2010-01-07T21:55:00.000-08:00

neg>> Compared to Biola, there is no community at Fuller. I will give this negative the benefit of the doubt, by hoping that I just haven't found it yet, but I don't think so. The campus is just "dead", all the time. There is no one really sitting around, and all the food places close by dinner time. It's so weird, and so different from the Biola community, and it is a real bummer. I think that the problem lies in the fact that there is no undergraduate school at Fuller. Most grad schools/seminaries are within an undergraduate school, and therefore have a bit more life to them. This is also a bummer because I desire to minister to undergraduate college students, and there are none around. This is definitely one of the main reasons I almost didn't go to Fuller.

pos>> My classes are legit. I am 99.9% sure that I would not be able to attend another seminary within California who offers classes on how to change public policy, studies of globalization, and topics within the realm of politics. Being around older and wiser men and women, who are well educated and passionate about being a Christian, and being involved in political and justice issues, is invigorating.

neg>> I am not super excited about being around campus at night. It's pitch black, there is no one around, and I don't know anyone in the area... It's weird.

pos>> I feel challenged. The classes are difficult.

neg>> Taking care of life business at Fuller is a pain in the butt. For instance, I have to prove that I have health insurance by filling out a form online, then sending in a paper I have to fill out all about myself, a copy of my insurance card, AND a summary of my benefits. To make matters worse, I can't bring this to the Fuller campus insurance office area, but I have to send it or fax it to some random place. Total pain. Again, compared to Biola, the administrative side of Fuller is not so organized. But (again I will sing Biola's praises) you can't even compete with the staff at Biola University - they are the best people I know, and I have literally never felt more safe than when I was at Biola. From the secretaries, to campus safety, I knew that they cared for the students. So anyway (back to Fuller)... all of my classes were not in the buildings where the internet said they were (I was a tad panicky), and you have to payoff your account by the first day of each quarter, or you receive a $250 fine. No payment plans, no couple of weeks grace... they.want.your.money.

pos>> PASADENA. Pasadena is THE most amazing city I have ever spent a legitimate amount of time in. It's absolutely beautiful, and full of life. I can't wait to have the chance to explore more of it as time goes.

All in all, Fuller is very different than the Christian campus that I am used too. If Fuller wasn't so academically strong in the areas that I want to study, I definitely wouldn't be going there. Going to Fuller has made me realize how important it is to be going to a school based on what you are academically pursuing, even when other areas that are important are sacrificed.

I love the fact that within my Christian Ethics emphasis, they are teaching us to be leaders in this area. I believe that this will really come in handy in my future as I continue to minister to young students. There are many ethical questions that need answering and attention, and I am so excited to increase my knowledge in this area.

In my politics and policy course, we are supposed to come up with something that we would like to change within the Pasadena community, and write a proposal on it for our final project. God has put it on my heart to hopefully look into the area of the "Safe Surrender" law. This law says that if a woman has a baby, she can leave it at a "safe haven" (including hospitals, and fire stations), and won't be held reliable for a crime. This law is to try and stop women from leaving their babies to die in dumpsters etc. Well, I would like to propose that within the Pasadena school system, this law is taught every year, in the homeroom class. Just a simple reminder could help give a chance to newborn babies.

Movies movies movieees

2010-01-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

Over Christmas break I was able to spend some time watching movies. It was lovely. I want to share my finds with the world and my friends, so you will know what to pick up next time you are ordering from Netflix, or walking by a Blockbuster.

First and foremost, "Food Inc."

Food Inc. is a fantastic documentary that everyone in America should see. It exposes the corrupt ways of the food industry, hitting on issues not just about the actual (gross) food we are eating, but on the way it gets to our dining room tables. Maybe you are not an animal activist, but you have to also not care about human beings to accept what the food industry is doing today. Organic organic organic. If you don't want to watch the movie, then I will just encourage you to buy organic. Also, your eyes will be opened to the fact that there are a lot of young kids who are dying from e-coli. They feature one mom who lost her son after he ate a Jack in the Box hamburger. Crazy.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"The Proposal"

Bullock and Reynolds work so well together, as their timing is right on. It's hilarious. Weird ending, but worth the watch. Super light, funny comedic romance, to watch on a night where you just want to relax.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Away we go"

Well who doesn't love John Krasinski? This movie was worth the chance to just sit and stare at him for 2 hours. This is a great, low budget, indie film that makes you think about your own life. What does "home" really mean? Where is our home? How do we make a home? These two travel the country trying to figure those questions out, while meeting up with well written, and hilarious characters. I also LOVED the underlining stories of the hurtful past that Rudolph's character experienced, as they never went fully into detail, but you could just see that she carried it around at all times. Superb acting. Great movie to gather the friends around, and discuss afterwards.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"When Harry Met Sally"

In all my life I had never seen this movie until now. I figured it was time because I feel as if in every modern movie that I watch, there is always a reference to "When Harry met Sally". I loved it. I loved the 70's and 80's styles that we rarely see anymore, and I loved the story. Now that I have seen it, other movies are beginning to make sense to me. If you are like me, and have been living under a cave for the last 20 years, pick up this flick, pop a bag of organic popcorn, and snuggle up to watch this classic gem.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"My Sisters Keeper"

***Warning, hysterical sobbing will ensue at the watching of this movie***

Most importantly I need to tell you that this movie is NOT what I expected it to be. I avoided it for so long with the expectation that it would be just like every other "cancer movie" that has been made. I was wrong. I was pleasantly surprised at the way that they set this movie to play out, and I honestly could not predict what was going to happen next. I cried and laughed throughout this movie, and it felt good for my soul. I also want to give a shout out to Sofia Vassilieva, who played the cancer stricken sister in this movie. She is known to me by her acting in the TV series, "Medium", and I think that she is one of the most fantastic, unknown, actresses of our time. Getting a chance to see her in action, is worth the watch of "My Sisters Keeper".

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

School is for the Cool kids.

2009-12-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

School.school.School.

I am excited for school to start again!

Though I am really nervous about the intensity of the work, I am SO excited to actually be attending Fuller IN Pasadena, and I am also super excited about the courses I am taking.

Drumroll please...

>>>Politics and Policy: How to Make a Difference In Your Community
>>>Globalization, The Poor, and The Christian Mission
>>>Homelessness, Congregations, and Community Partnerships

Did I mention that I changed my emphasis to Christian Ethics?

Coooool.

I picked up the homelessness class at the last moment because I wasn't able to get into medieval church history, but it's kind of a blessing because the expert of experts on medieval history is teaching in the spring quarter, so I will take it then.

Also, SUPER excited about the fact that in my homelessness class, we are required to read a book written by the prof who teaches my globalization class, and who is also a VP of World Vision. Ah! So incredibly exciting. The globalization class seems ridiculously difficult, as I have 2 books and a (long) journal article to read before the class actually starts, and then from there I have about 1800 pages to master (says the syllabus), and many many assignments. Everything seems to go through the TA, and I think that the VP is literally only there to teach, and not even read our papers, but that makes me feel like a real grad student, so hooray! ;)

God has also provided in timing my courses to revolve around bad traffic times. I feel really blessed.

Finally, I have a feeling I will be having no life for the next 10 weeks. I want to get straight A's, and I am going to work hard to do it. So just remember that you are loved by me...

A New Year.

2009-12-27T12:41:00.000-08:00

It's almost 2010, and a new year always brings a time of reevaluation upon one's life. Blythe gave me a good idea awhile ago, in saying that at the half way point of my birthday, I should see how many of my birthday year goals I have achieved. Well, the half way point is February 6th, but I figure now is a better time because I really feel that 2010 will be a very significant new season in my life.

Between grad school, lots of good friends moving away, new jobs, new cars, new house, and a new church, my life has dramatically changed in 2009. Now that I am getting comfortable in my new shoes, I think it's a good time to reflect on what was happening in my head in August of 2009, but also how some other goals may have been added...

#1 - Grow closer to the Lord (a given...) - This #1 goal of mine has definitely been fulfilled, and continues to be fulfilled. I learned A LOT of valuable life lessons in 2009, and in particular, I want to thank the Lord for instilling in me more patience and self control (two "fruits" that I have been praying for).
#2 - Travel some of Europe - This is still a major life goal of mine. My real goal was to make it to Europe in the summer of 2010, but I think instead I am planning on an East Coast trip. Maybe 2011 will be my Europe year.
#3 - Hang with the fam more - This one is crazy to me, because it has definitely happened. I can really see myself moving out of the "I am too cool to hang with my parents" phase, and moving into the, "I love hanging out with my parents" phase. I am blessed by my family's faithfulness to me, and I am constantly reminded of those who are fatherless and motherless. I pray for them, and I am challenged by them.
#4 - Get involved in a really good home group - This goal will definitely be accomplished by my birthday in 2010, as I am getting involved in Rock Harbor Fullerton, and I am SO excited about it.
#5 - Do something that I am really scared of (and ya, I already know what this is...) - Still in the process...
#6 - Learn how to cook better - I still totally suck, but I got 2 more cookbooks for Christmas!
#7 - Be more encouraging - Still trying. Before I speak, I always try to think about what is coming out of my mouth just to make sure that it's encouraging. I also try to notice when hair color changes etc., so I can say something nice to (hopefully) make a persons day better.
#8 - Explore areas of California I have never seen before - A constant goal, as I grow in my love for California.
#9 - read.read.read.more. - Well, I was forced to do this through school... ;)
#10 - Disciple more, and BE discipled, more - I have just joined the college mentor program at Rock Harbor. My training is coming up in a couple weeks, and I look forward to being able to help college students grow in Christ, as they try and figure out their lives.
#11 - Not to miss, the one thing, that was missing, from my 26th birthday - I am so close, it's not even funny.
#12 - Read 75% of the books that are already on my bookshelf, that have never been read - Ya, this is never gunna happen.
#13 - STILL be driving my car! - Ahaha, well I didn't even make it 3 months after my birthday for this goal, but I am LOVING my new (reliable) Toyota Corolla.
#14 - Visit Erin in Colorado - Hopefully this spring!!
#15 - be.more.real - I am maybe too real at times nowadays.
#16 - blog more - Meh.
#17 - Watch all 10 seasons of "Friends" - I am on season 9...
#18 - Take my mom to NYC (and see Jon Stewart live) - Still a huge goal of mine to take my mom to NYC.
#19 - Use my Disneyland pass A LOT - Total fail. Hopefully I have time to redeem this one before it expires.
#20 - Get rid of more of my things I don't need - Still a work in progress.
#21 - Buy a camera (mine broke) - I have my iPhone...
#22 - Pray more - Talking counts, right?
#23 - Listen more - Trying...
#24 - Finish the bible study I am writing - Now I want to write a book, soooo...
#25 - Spend more time with my friends - Still want to really work on this.
#26 - FIGURE OUT MY LIFE! ;) - Hardly.

And some new ones to check out at 2011...

#1 - Decide what direction I am going in my education.

#2 - Make it a financial goal to be more well traveled in the next 4 years.

#3 - Move north to be closer to Pasadena.

#4 - Stick to my healthy lifestyle.

#5 - Keep my car and room clean.

#6 - Really be able to grasp and learn, what I am studying in grad school.

Happy New Year!

All I want for Christmas...

2009-12-21T01:22:00.000-08:00

Holla.

All I want for Christmas is to know who reads my blog. It is so incredibly random how many people that I never even talk to anymore, read my blog. And then if I (or my mom) runs into them, they act like they know everything about me already because they read my blog. So, I am just wondering... who's out there...? Come oooon, just leave a holla in the comments.

holla. ;)

Love Deeply.

2009-12-19T01:14:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

I had a rough week.

Hearing the news of a young Biola Alum. who died of the swine flu, and a young mother who died of cancer, was difficult.

And then I had to go to work.

Sometimes at work, for 12 hours, I have to just listen to people cry and cry.

It's heartbreaking.

It's so crazy to me how our bodies can just shut.down. And what's even more bizarre is the way that it happens. It's either your brain, or all of your other organs. So when it's your brain that is dead, everything else in you can work just fine, and this is where organ donation comes from. And in other cases, your brain is just fine, but your liver, kidneys, heart etc., are all shutting down.

What's worse?

Because when your brain is dead, then the person is really not there. But when it's your organs, at least you are still somewhat with it alongside your family members.

So, sometimes you get a goodbye...

and sometimes you don't.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I say all of this because it is so apparent to me how short life is every.single.day. This can get really heavy after awhile, but it also makes me extremely honest (though I wish I were more honest).

I know it seems so out of reach sometimes to fathom losing a parent, sibling, or spouse, but I watch it happen to families all the time. So I have a few things to say:

>>>Love deeply.

>>>Cherish every moment.

>>>Do not leave if you're angry.

>>>Put all of your hope and faith in Christ.

>>>Love deeply.

Justin Key, the young Biola Alum (25 yrs.) who died last week, had his whole life in front of him. It was a truly tragic event. I mourn alongside his family and friends. One of his very good friends posted a note on her relationship with him, and it really got to me. Their friendship was so beautiful, and honest, and from the way she wrote, I really felt that he had no doubt of how much she cared for him. This made my heart feel good.

Tell them that you love them.

My 2010 resolution is to tell people how much I care about them. For girls, it will be an "I love you". And for boys (just to keep things not so weird), it will be a, "hey, I care for you a lot". This will mean, "I love you". ;)

The thing I hear the most in the hospital is, "I wish I could just tell him/her that I love him... because I do, but I never said it."

I don't want that to be me.

I Still Love You Third Eye Blind

2009-12-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

There is a special place in my heart for one 90's rock band - "Third Eye Blind". Even today, when I hear their songs come on 98.7, I turn up the volume, and rock out. There is just something about them... the passion and meaningfulness in his voice and lyrics... it gets me every time. Now, with this said, I only really ever got into their first, self-titled album, but I think in this new year, I am going to give their new stuff a try. And I would really like to see them in concert... if they even do that anymore...

///////////////////////////////////////////

"I read dead Russian authors volumes at a time

I write everything down except what's on my mind

Cause my greatest fear is that sucking sound

And then I know that I'll never get back out

And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink

In a crowded room where the glasses clink

And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep

Because that keeps me from falling asleep I said

How'd you like to be alone and drowning

How'd you like to be alone and drowning"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Where we used to laugh

There's a shouting match

Sharp as a thumbnail scratch

A silence I can't ignore

Like the hammock by the

Doorway we spent time in, swings empty

Don't see lightning like last fall

When it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it going to be

When it goes down

How's it going to be

When you're not around

How's it going to be

When you found out there was nothing

Between you and me

Cause I don't care

How's it going to be"

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

And well, he's on the table

And he's gone to code

And I do not think anyone knows

What they are doing here

And your friends have left you

You've been dismissed

I never thought it would come to this

And I, I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down the demons

Maybe today we can put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend

You could cut ties with all the lies

That you've been living in and if you do not want to see me again

I would understand, I would understand, I would understand"

////////////////////////////////////////////////

Take a gander at their awesome, and cheesy 90's music vid. There is no way that this video does justice to the song.

"How's it going to be, when you don't know me anymore?"

I find this lyric really touching.

There is a thermometer by my bedside.

2009-12-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

2009 was not a good year for me, or my insurance company.

I have been stricken with anything and everything, and I am tired of it.

And now, in the end, I am stuck in bed, studying for finals, with a fever and a cold. NOT cool.

Not only did I get every vaccine possible to avoid this mess, but they temporarily paralyzed me because I am allergic to them, and they didn't.even.work.

I finished my first final, but here I am, still trying to "finish" studying for the impossible, and ridiculous one, while coughing up a lung.

From now on, things are changing around here.

Dear 2010,

I am going to intake at least 1000 mg of vitamin C daily,

while washing my hands even more diligently.

There will be no vaccines taken,

and no changes of jobs, to add on extra stress that is not needed.

Love,

Me.

Baby, it's cold outside.

2009-12-07T15:49:00.001-08:00

Happy Finals Week!!

My finals week took an unexpected turn for the WORST last week, but I know that God has me right here for a reason. All I can do is give my best, and leave the rest up to His perfect will.

Church last night was AWESOME, as I was able to pray for an awesome young girl, and have my desire to pour into young college students solidified. I am excited about the new opportunities that Rock Harbor will bring.

I feel the need to throw out a little prayer list for my sake this week, just because I know that everyone who reads my blog is so "righteous". ;)

PrAy.

>>>I think we found THE house in Fullerton.
It's awesome and amazing, and we are just super stoked.
No definite plans yet, as we wait for God's timing.
Pray for wisdom and discernment.

>>>Finals.
Pray for strength and willpower.

>>>I have been having a really hard time at work with one particular person. she.just.doesn't.really.like.new.people. It's hard... really hard. Pray for peace.

>>>I want my family to attend the Rock Harbor Christmas services with me.
Pray for softness of hearts.

God is up to something big in Fullerton!

2009-12-02T16:22:00.001-08:00

I am really excited about what God is doing in my life right now.

As I mentioned before, Rock Harbor is going to be expanding to Fullerton, as they establish a campus there. I have felt the call to be a part of this, and I am super stoked.

But alongside this, I reeeally have a desire to live IN Fullerton... pronto. Yet, in my months of searching now, I haven't found ANYTHING that is remotely close to interesting.

As I have been praying through this, I realized that I desire MORE than just a cozy living environment, I want REAL relationships with my roomies, and with the neighborhood around me. While I think that I have been accomplishing this on a way smaller level living in Aliso Viejo, I just want something more. I want a home where as roomies, we can all be accountable to each other, and where living together is more than just hanging out alone in our rooms, but having a responsibility to want to have relationships with each other. I want to have a home where we can have bible studies, life group gatherings, and Sunday BBQ's, inviting the people around us. I want to have a home where people always feel welcomed.

SO, rewind 2 weeks ago. I saw a posting on Rock Harbor's website about an intentional living community in Costa Mesa, for an open room. I was so determined to live in an environment like this, I wrote the girls, and they called me in for an interview. The girls are AWESOME. The house is a gem. BUT, I was secretly wishing it wouldn't work out, because it wasn't in Fullerton.

One week ago, I got an email from one of the girls from the house, saying that their roomie decided to not move out, and so that they didn't have an opening anymore. I decided to post my own classified ad on Rock Harbor's website, stating that I was looking for other girls, who wanted to create an intentional community in Fullerton.

Well, it just so happened, that on the other side of town, there was a girl who was just like me. Felt a call to Fullerton, and an intentional living community. Not only that, but she even interviewed for that house in Costa Mesa! And she was (also) secretly wishing it wouldn't work out, because she wants to live in Fullerton!! Even more, she and I have like 30-something facebook friends in common! We've met 6 times (though I am a horrible person and didn't remember)! We graduated from Biola at the same time!

How I was never friends with this awesome girl before, I have no clue. But all I know is that God is up to something BIGTIME here.

Steve, the Rock Harbor Fullerton pastor, has also hooked us up with a lady over at Rock Harbor who is in charge of trying to start up a thing called "Residencies". This idea is basically all about setting up girls and guys houses, throughout Orange County, where intentional community living is happening.

So, there is still a TON to do with this whole thing - finding a house in Fullerton, and more roomies - but I am confident that God is just going to guide us directly to where we are supposed to be.

And to my lady friends out there, if you are interested in being a part of this, let me know!!

Still not sure if this is for real or not...

2009-11-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

"The Blind Side"

2009-11-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

In the midst of writing my big paper for Early Church History (My argument in sum: The fall of the Roman Empire led to the Christian adoption of Just-War theory), I had a date night with my dad that consisted of dinner and a movie. It was fab.

Let me start by saying, I looove all movies that are based on an encouraging athletic true story, and I will only see them with my dad. "The Blind Side" was going to be no exception, and even after watching "Rudy" on Thanksgiving with the fam, "The Blind Side" touched my heart even a bit more than the Notre Dame tale.

I highly recommend that you see this true story, based on the life of Michael Oher, who went from sleeping on the streets at the age of 7, to being adopted by a loving family in Memphis, Oher's journey is truly inspiring. The movie will make you laugh, cry, and ponder how you can do more in this life. The acting is superb, even as Tim McGraw plays the adoptive dad, and does a wonderful job.

My favorite line in the movie (and maybe in all movies, ever), was -

"Who would've ever thought we'd have a black kid for a son,

before meeting an actual democrat?"

A picture of the real Michael Oher, and family

It's a delight to watch, and a definite buy for me (movie, and the book).

Enjoy!

Daisy Love

2009-11-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you to my friend Jenna's blog, I received the news that Britt Merrick's daughter, Daisy Love, has been afflicted with stage 3 cancer. She is only 5 years old.

They found out about this back in September, so you might have already heard, but just in case you hadn't, I wanted to gather more prayer warriors for this cute little one.

They update their blog almost daily. I just spend the past hour reading through it all, praying for little Daisy. You can also hear Britt preach on what he is going through (below). His words were very touching, as they were very real, and he held nothing back.

When My Heart Is Overwhelmed from Reality on Vimeo.

Thoughtful Spending

2009-11-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

This past weekend at Rock Harbor, Mike Erre really challenged us all to think twice before spending money. Erre was daring as he did a little silent hinting towards what's happening in the US today in regards to taxes, and then he challenged us all with some haunting statistics.

After these statistics were said and done, I felt so uncomfortably convicted, that I just wanted to vomit. I was especially convicted because I preach a lot of these stats, but don't always live it. With that said, these stats are hard to look at, and should be addressed within ones own heart, but it should also be understood that our western minds might take longer to really change the ways we live, and that's okay... just as long as we (Christians) begin to recognize that something has to change. We shouldn't be the ones standing alongside the people at Walmart racing, and literally KILLING people, to get the new video game system... we should be/look different.

/////////////////////// All stats taken from Erre's notes - see more here.

The United States constitutes 6% of the world’s population

The United States consumes 40-50% of the world’s resources

Only 8% of the world’s population has a car

1.2 billion people live on 23 cents a day

55% of the world lives on less than $2 a day

Average American lives on $105 a day

40% of the world lacks basic sanitation

1.2 billion people don’t have clean drinking water

Every 15 seconds a child dies from waterbourne illness

Americans consume 26 billion liters of bottled water per year

800 million people will not eat today; 300 million of those are kids

25,000 people die per day from hunger related causes

Every 3 seconds someone dies of hunger

Americans spend more annually on trash bags than nearly half the world does on ALL

goods.

2 billion people in the world have no electricity

1% of people in the world own a computer

1% of people in the world have a college education

>>>>

Basic education for all - $6 billion

Water and sanitation for all - $9 billion

Basic health and nutrition for all - $13 billion

Annual expenditure for cosmetics in the United States - $8 billion

Annual expenditure for ice cream in the United States - $20 billion

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> do.the.math

////////////////////////////

Materialism is the #1 reason that I hate celebrating Christmas.

Everyone gets SO wrapped up (no pun intended) in the gift giving, that they completely fail to (1) Realize what Christmas is actually celebrating, and (2) Being thankful for the family and friends around them.

I am working right now alongside people who are picking up extra shifts, and staying for 24 hour shifts, while just making themselves crazy to earn extra money to buy Christmas presents. The whole thing is out of control. What else could we possibly need?

I look at my life - the clothes in my closet, the car in the parking lot, the roof over my head, the food in the pantry, the warm bed to sleep on, the computer to type with, the TV to watch, the roomies to talk to, the cell phone to be connected to the world... *sigh*... ALL of these things. I am incredibly blessed, and I don't need anything else. I don't need it.

So before you shop this Friday, I hope that you would think of alternate gift ideas for this holiday season. Whether it's something homemade, a nice letter, or a special gift from the World Vision Catalog, make this year less about you, and more about the people who actually need "things" to survive another day.

Uncle Jimmy

2009-11-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last week my uncle (mom's brother), passed away very suddenly from an aortic aneurysm. It was very unexpected, and a devastating blow to my family, as we have been dealing with my aunt's stage 4 cancer.

In memory of my Uncle Jim, I want to post the eulogy that my mom wrote for her big brother. My mom is a devoted Catholic woman, as you can tell in some of the things she says. A lot of times we can have misperceptions of the way we view the Catholic Church, but as I am taking church history classes, I am gaining such a respect for so much of the beauty that is associated with our brothers and sisters in the early days of following Jesus. While it is beautiful that my mom has a connection with her loved ones in Heaven, and asks them to pray for us, I still try to remind her that she has a one way connection to God our Father... our Creator. Isn't it interesting how distanced a Catholic can feel from God? I hope that in my eulogy, it's more about me finally being at rest with Jesus, rather than with other family members. I don't say these things to discount what my mom had to say.. but only to introduce (remind) you to a God in Heaven who loves you very much.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

To all of you, thank you for your loving support to Joyce, Jimmy, his family and my brother Matt as they sit before you today with heavy hearts. I am Jim’s sister, Elaine, and I along with Terry, Peggy and Matt would like to share a few thoughts with you about our brother.

I am 11 years younger than Jim so I always thought of him as truly an older brother and protector. One of my earliest memories of Jim includes being carried on his shoulders to watch a parade, and him saving me from the run away hunting dogs my father always had. The dogs were usually penned up and we were not allowed to play with them. So when they were let out to run a little it scared me to death and Jim was always there to rescue me. He was in high school then and I’m sure had better things to do, but I always knew he was there for me. I spent a summer with him after my mother died. Jimmy was about 10 or 11 and I remember Jim trying to entertain us as he proceeded down a dirt alley going the wrong way down a one way street.. We were all yelling at him and laughing saying, “You’re going the wrong way. He just laughed and said, “What do you mean, I’m only going one way”!!! Of course who can forget the abrupt car stops so the ant could cross the road!!! Mostly I remember him taking my side in any squabble, much to the dismay of my sister, Terry. This continued, much to my delight, right up to his last visit to California not long ago. My sisters remember late night phone calls to our brother about homework assignments or just giving a listening ear if things hadn’t gone as we wanted with mom or dad. We may have been far away in miles but we always stayed close in spirit and we will all cherish the time we had with him.

The bible says, “ Be not afraid I go before you always, come follow me and I will give you rest.” I believe that Jim lived this. He challenged life and lived up to those challenges. He was a man of few words and strong faith. The Lord is now fulfilling his promise of rest and peace for the end of his journey.

My brother will be remembered as caring and hard working. He was a loving husband, brother, father, grandfather and friend. He may have left us here but I can only imagine his welcome by all the other Sunbury’s in heaven. I am sure Uncle Bill pulled right up in his Pepsi truck to give him a lift to the club for a heck of a pinochle game!

Give Mom and Dad a hug for us, and until we see you again, pray for us.

My First (real) Book Idea...

2009-11-22T00:07:00.000-08:00

----->>>>>> I wrote this post back in October, and it is SO as rough of a draft as you're gunna get, but seriously, I really feel like God has some cool things to say through me in this next year or so on the matter of discipleship and sanctification, and here are some rough ideas on it.

"Rough" being the key word.

Please, I welcome your thoughts. Take a second, and have a read...

--------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As I have been going through this thing called "life" lately, God has been showing me a lot. And He has specifically laid one thing on my heart during this time of great transitions - The Sanctification Process. Now of course, just like anything dealing with religion, there a million different views on the sanctification process.

For the Catholics, we have "moral perfection"
Eastern Orthodoxy says we can take on "divine properties"... yikes.
Lutherans, and the majority of Protestant denominations (probably you), would agree that along with the Holy Spirit's help, the individual would be responsible for maintaining a certain level of "holiness".
For Methodists, it is a process that is life long, and was a grace-led spiritual growth (much more to say on this one...).

As I study the scriptures, consider my own life, and continue to watch the effects of the Christian church today, I am beginning to realize that maybe the majority of Christians, are being led in the wrong direction when it comes to the sanctification and discipleship process, especially in America.

The main thesis that I have been chewing on when it comes to this idea, is the fact that when it comes to the Bible, everything seems so rushed. And our American lives are going a million miles a minute, and so it's only natural that when we read the Bible, it would seem like everything that God is asking from the Christian, would need to be done, and accomplished, immediately.

My salvation story is different from others, in that I didn't grow up in the Christian faith, and I only came to know the Lord when I was 19 years old. God put this huge passion in bones (and, I believe, a specific calling) to get out there, and do anything I could within ministry, and so that's all I have ever known. I watched others quit volunteering, or only make it to church once a month, and I was completely convinced they were "backsliding". I was taught that there was certain things a person needed to do to be a "good Christian", and anything less was looked down upon. I remember feeling guilty over listening to secular music, watching TV, not praying out loud during community prayer times, missing church, wearing a two piece bathing suit, and drinking alcohol.

When I escaped this "situation", I revolted from everything. I equated not attending church, with attending Radiohead concerts, and not reading my Bible, with watching MTV. The more I thought about the situation, the more I realized that this sounded a lot like legalism, and so that gave me a lot of freedom. And when I finally cleared away all the dust, and took out my Radiohead albums from storage, I realized that not going to church, and not reading my Bible, were only going to hurt me in the long run, and watching MTV, wasn't going to send me to hell.

Galatians 5 tells the Christian what kind of "fruits" they are supposed to live by. These include: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

This list seems a little heavy to me. It makes me nervous, like if I have to walk into a church again, I am going to have to display all of these things. And like I was saying before, they all seemed so rushed. I mean, for goodness sake, they are all in ONE sentence!

So why is it that I am feeling such freedom, whenever I accept the fact that I am not perfect? Maybe we need to focus on the first half of Galatians more than the second half.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Mark my words!

I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised,

Christ will be of no value to you at all.

Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised

that he is obligated to obey the whole law.

You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ;

you have fallen away from grace.

But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit

the righteousness for which we hope.

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value.

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

In this passage, it is clear that Paul is speaking to the Jews about the "Law", and how the legalism of the Law can make a person fall away from grace. We are free, and we are not justified by laws, and we eagerly await, through the Spirit, our own righteousness (for which we hope), and also, we await Jesus' return.

Yes, it's scary to preach "freedom", because some may take it too literally. Yes, it may seem that the cost of having "freedom" through Christ, can cause a heavier burden. But I believe that these yes' that I speak of, should not stop us from preaching this part of the gospel, especially within discipleship.

My friend Dave Bazan wrote a song about how it's "hard to be, a decent human being". Dave has swirled into an addiction to alcohol, and a world of doubt, and it seems that all he is feeling is a lot of guilt. He ends the song by saying,

"I swung my tassel to the left side of my cap

Knowing after graduation there would be no going back

and no congratulations from my faithful family

some of whom are already fasting to intercede for me"

When I hear Dave sing these songs, all I can think of is that he is in the process of sanctification. If sanctification is grace-led spiritual growth (which I tend to lean more Methodist on this issue), then why would it seem so far fetched that grace isn't leading Bazan right now? I think we can all attest that the Spirit of God was working within this man before, so why wouldn't it be the same now?

I hardly read my Bible unless I have too. I don't go to church every weekend. I am not volunteering in a ministry, and I watch TV. But I want to tell you something amazing - at this time in my life... a time that would seem to some, as dry... I have never seen more "fruit" in and out of my life, I have never been closer to my family, I have never been more patient, kind, and self-controlled in my life, and my heart is still in pursuit of the Kingdom.

So why is it that when I was doing everything "right", I was not being something that was "right"?

Sanctification takes time. It takes experiences. It takes relationships and accountability. It takes love. It takes failures. It takes being happy. It takes addictions. It takes doubt. It takes fear. It takes pridefulness. It takes being lonely.

It does not happen overnight, but still, this is the expectations the Church can put on the Christian. I believe this ends up being one of the huge reasons, Christians, love escaping from the Church.

There is this fine line when it comes to talking about sanctification. Most believe you have to work for it. But then the line becomes fuzzy because we are saved by grace alone. I think we need to embrace the fact that while in some cases, we do work for it... mostly, God is working it within us.

This is my rough ideas of the Christian life:

>>Saved, and super stoked about God (The Conversion Experience)

>>Holier than Thou time of life... Learning the Christian ways, and buying Jesus symbols for your vehicles

>>Giving up everything, to serve in the church (this could go on for years)

>>(Hopefully) Get involved in a Home Group with other Christians

>>Getting really busy... tired from life... and "burned" in different ways by the church

>>Stepping down from ministry, and try your hardest to attend church every week

>>Feel really guilty about not serving as much as you used too, and missing church a few times... driving you into a place where you just don't really want to think about it anymore...

Like I said, "rough" ideas here, and everyone's story is going to be different (including mine), but I think for the most part, this is the pattern of a lot of Christians today. And when you really examine this list closely, I think that it's really clear that what is missing is discipleship, and if there is discipleship, then sometimes it can be placed in the wrong area.

I am just really tired of talking to so many of my former youth students, and other friends, who feel really discouraged about the Church, because they feel guilt for not being a "better Christian". I am trying to figure out what that really means, and if it actually even exists.

GAH, there is just so much more to say, and that is why I keep prolonging posting my thoughts here, but I would really love some feedback.

Thanks so much for reading.

Thommaaaay....

2009-11-20T03:09:00.000-08:00

Today (well, Thursday afternoon), I spent three hours in one of these...

But, since I was listening to this, it was much more pleasant...

Really, when do I ever have time to just sit and listen to Radiohead for 3 hours without feeling guilty about the fact I should be doing something more productive.

It was glorious.

Then, to make circumstances even better, I saw "New Moon" at the midnight showing, and was filled with joy as one of the most intense scenes of the movie was encompassed with sounds of the song that Thom Yorke made just for the movie. Therefore, leading to this fabulous picture when you google "Thom Yorke New Moon". So great.

It was a good day indeed.

Soon.

2009-11-17T22:57:00.001-08:00

Just bought Thursday midnight tickets...

Does this make me a loser?

Well, Stef and Cam are not losers, so there.

Biola Prof's are the BEST.

2009-11-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

You have heard me rant and rave about Biola prof's before, but I have a youtube video to prove it this time. Presenting Matthew Weathers - known as the Best Math Teacher of all time (wish I could have taken his class...), and pretty much the nicest guy ever. My fondest memories of Matt, are studying with the PUQ guys down in the library during finals week, and Matt coming around at around midnight with encouraging words, starbucks coffee drinks, and snacks. Are you kidding me?! He's the best.

Here is a video he played for his class on Halloween:

Read about it HERE.

I can feel my leg!!!

2009-11-14T00:44:00.000-08:00

I am SO excited, because I am feeling SOOO much better!!!

I know that A LOT has happened since I last updated my blog, but it has been a really difficult time, and I had been talking to SO many people about what happened (including the government health people almost every day... they are so annoying), that I just felt weird about publicizing to the whole world about what was happening. So, if this blog seems kind of out of context, it's probably because I haven't published the whole story of what has been happening, but maybe I will in the future. In the meantime, this post is just to remind people that I don't look like (or walk like) the girl in the videos I posted below (it's a different syndrome I was afflicted with), and to remind everyone out there that I personally don't think young healthy people should be getting ANY kind of vaccine (especially the swine flu, and HPV).

On Wednesday I was bumming pretty hard because my primary doctor finally put a for real diagnoses to my case. She claims that I actually had a minor case of Guillain Barre Syndrome.

CRA.ZEE.NESS.

Now, while the neurologist had kind of been saying this (under his breath) all along, he still didn't want to claim it. I loved that my primary doc did. She has actually known me for almost 11 years now, so when I saw her face when she actually examined me and looked over my lab results, and THEN told me NOT to exercise (she's a fitness QUEEN), I started to cry a little. I was totally freaked out. She actually ordered MORE MRI's (sigh), another EMG, and sent me on my way with a strict order of "bed rest" (once again), reminding me that this is a "serious condition, and that I need to rest".

NOT.FUN.

Anyway, I still felt pretty crappy and numb on Wednesday and Thursday, but Friday morning I woke up and I was like, "Huh... I can feel my leg..."

I attempted the stairs (which has been a difficulty for TOO long now), and approached my roomie watching Project Runway (<3<3<3)

I tried wracking my brain for anything that I had done differently the day before, and realized that I had cheated on my diet, and ate a few french fries. If only it were true that french fries cured Guillain Barre Syndrome - the world would be a better place.

But, today has been fantastic! Usually I need like 3 naps because I am so fatigued, but I felt energized all day. Plus I am not walking like a freak anymore, and when I do walk, I don't feel like my legs are going to give out (well, I guess as long as I am not pushing it...).

So basically, the numbness is still in my right hand and both of my feet (but my right foot is waaay more affected). For now, I am just going to keep resting this weekend, and pray to God that every day brings on more healing for me. It will be great to be able to stir something again, or pick at my nails (I know it's a bad habit, but it's weird when you can't do it). Or, another thing I can't do with my right hand is pick stuff up with just my fingers, or separate pieces of paper with my fingers (weirdest thing ever!). Another habit I have been missing is shaking my leg while resting. I don't know if anyone else out there does this, but for some reason I do. Well, since my leg has gone numb, it's like my body has no desire to do that. Weird.

Gah. Everything is weird in these past 2 weeks.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's prayers SO much! And I would still love to have your prayers, but when you think of me, please think of my friend's cousin who lives in Pasadena, who is struggling with FULL BLOWN Guillain Barre Syndrome. He is MY age, and his onset was after the Swine Flu Shot as well! He is stable, but please join me in prayer that he will get back to walking SOON.

And again, AVOID those vaccine's! They are just not good for you (my personal opinion of course).

Gotcha!

2009-11-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

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Swine Flu Vaccine... Shouldn't have done it...

2009-11-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

Well, there has been much love and concern coming my way over Facebook which I SO appreciate. I just love all of your prayers so much. I just kind of wanted to give one overall update to everyone on here, because my symptoms are hard to deal with, and it's hard to type.

It all started last Friday, when I received the Swine Flu Vaccine. I felt fine right after it, but over the hours, I developed a headache and nausea. I didn't think anything of it, because after all, I had just had some weird vaccine injected in me.

That night I got home and I was exhausted. I went to bed, and awoke to horrible muscle cramps all over my body. They were literally "charlie horses" in my legs, and that's what it felt like in my arms, back, and neck (though I don't know if you can call them "charlie horses"). Again, I thought, well, I probably shouldn't be injecting vaccine's into my body.

The next day was Halloween, and I had SO much to do. But again, I was still exhausted. As I was making my famous dirt cups, I realized that I couldn't grasp the wooden spoon with my right hand. The ONLY way I can describe it, is that it was like I was retarded, in the sense that I felt like my hand was kind of crippling. Super weird. Needless to say, my dirt cups didn't come out as great as they could have.

That night I had some muscle relaxers, because I thought my muscles were just having spasms because of the vaccine, and I felt pretty good. Around 11pm though, I was SO tired. After everyone left, I felt horrible.

That night the tingling in my feet and hands started. Again, I just thought it was because I had been dancing, or whatever. I woke up on Sunday morning and I was exhausted. I got up to clean up, and I could barely do that because I was just so exhausted. This was not normal for me because ever since I have been enjoying my "lifestyle change", I have had a ton of energy. I spent the rest of the day in bed, and the tingling and muscle weakness was getting worse.

The next morning, I got up for work like normal, and I as I was driving, I realized that I couldn't really grasp the steering wheel with my right hand, and, couldn't feel my right foot pressing the pedal. Ya, probably shouldn't have been driving, but it wasn't completely numb. Again, I convinced myself I slept on my arm and leg wrong, and proceeded to work.

Once there for a few hours, I decided to mention my muscle weakness and tingling to one of the neuro nurses. Of course she immediately wanted me to call the neurologist that we all know and love, and so I did. I told his office secretary what was happening, and to my surprise he called me back on my cell phone 5 minutes later! He asked if I wanted to come in that day, and I said no because I needed to work, and then he graciously offered to take a look at me there in the ICU the next morning (super great guy).

Tuesday morning came, and the symptoms were the same. He came to test my reflexes etc., and apparently I failed miserably. While I thought I was pushing him with all of my might, he just looked at me with this stunned face, stating, "Are you seriously pushing on me?" He demanded I come in that day for an EMG. This procedure was not very fun, as he explained it by asking me, "Did you ever stick your finger in a light socket as a child?" "No!", I exclaimed. Then he told me that's how the electric one would feel, all over, a bunch of times. And then for the one where he sticks needles into my muscles a million times... well we just won't go there. Fortunately (and, unfortunately I guess...), I wasn't able to feel a lot of the needles, well, because, I am suffering paralysis! ;)

So the test came back abnormal (fuuun...). And while the whole world at my work wants to know if I am stricken with "Guillain Barre Syndrome" (the main, horrible, side effect of the Swine Vaccine), my doctor just shook his head and said, "Honestly, I have no idea what's happening".

To make matters worse, I just had blood tests done about a month ago, and EVERYTHING was perfectly normal... more than normal. Now, my blood tests are out of whack. SO frustrating.

So, what's the plan? Well, on Friday I am getting some MRI's done to hopefully find the problem. I don't think I have ever wished for a herniated disc or pinched nerve so much in my life. The doc also said that I could have had some stuff going on already with a disc or nerves, but because of the severe muscle cramping the vaccine caused, it could have pushed it over the edge, which would explain the sudden onset of symptoms.

IF everything came back negative from the MRI's though, then he said that I would basically just have to wait and see if the paralysis gets worse. He says if it is "Guillain Barre", then he won't be able to treat it until I can't walk, and can't breath. Awesome words, right? He said this usually takes from 4-6 weeks with the vaccine cases.

In the meantime, I sooo feel like that annoying person that complains about their whole body hurting. I HATE being that person. I literally just went into 24 Hour Fitness and upgraded my pass to the Sport clubs because I wanted to start swimming again. Doc says I can't even walk when I am home, and when I am not at work or school, it's bed rest for me (until the MRI results).

I will write more later on the vaccine itself, but for now, I have to recommend not getting the vaccine. My doc says that the government is lying, and that they are using scare tactics to frighten everyone into getting a vaccine that is not safe. Take it as you will...

Work today was extremely hard, and even now, my head and back is killing me. I am pretty bummed about all of this, because like I had said, my life and health was really starting to turn around for the better. But through it all, the Lord is being so faithful.

At first, MRI told me I was going to have pay $1000 up front for the MRI's. This would have been impossible, and I wouldn't have been able to get them done. But then this miracle lady in the business office took it upon herself to help me SO much, and figure out that my insurance covers them 100%! So amazing!

So even though I was in so much pain, I randomly started a conversation about my schooling with one of the security guards, and he was fascinated by my choice of studies, and began to tell me about dreams he has been having. These were some craaaazy dreams, and I wasn't sure what to say. But I thought of Andrew Faris, and the time that Joel Garman told me that Faris told him, to always lead them to the Bible. So I asked the security guard if he had ever read the Bible. The guard said no, and I told him, "well, there are some pretty cool dreams in the bible too... lots of people in the bible had dreams, just like you." He seems SO interested, and so I promised him I would bring him a bible. Sweetness.

Finally, though I was so weak today, I ended up HAVING to walk all the way to the front of the hospital to get something. I really didn't want to go, but had no choice. But while I was over there, I ran into an old patient and his family. I think about them so much, and how it is SUCH a miracle that this patient is still alive! I watched this patient mostly on a vent, and then the day he got transferred upstairs, he was still really out of it (mentally). Now I was talking to a completely different person! He was perfect! His dad gave me a big hug, and his brother said that they had a list of people they wanted to see, and I was on it! As it is, it turns out that I am actually old friends with someone who is best friends with the patients brother. And I have also had a chance to talk with this "old friend" about God, as we worked at the hospital together. If my friends remember the story - he is the friend who was present when one of the world's leading evangelicals entered into the ER, and I made him sign my book (though he had a broken leg), and in the end, ended up giving the book to my "old friend", who ended up reading it, and believing in a Creator ("of some sort...", he said).

All in all, God is just reminding me that through all things, He is still able to work through my life... especially when I least expect it.

Please pray for the pain I am having, and for my concentration. I have a huge midterm and 2 papers coming up, and I am just praying I can get through this quarter. And I guess, you can also pray for complete healing.. as the Lord wills...

The Halloween Hangover...

2009-11-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

So, I totally fell off the diet bandwagon over Halloween Weekend, and filled up my system with the bad carbs and sugars that I have been so intensely ignoring. But don't worry, I am back to healthy living again!

That's right, I am involved in a (*cough* diet) lifestyle change.

No, but seriously, it is a lifestyle change. It's a lifestyle change, because it's much more than just not eating bad things... it's like, hey, my whole life is changing. ;)

This past year has been... well, interesting to say the least, and a very very very difficult one. In the process of dealing with mass amounts of difficulties, I was not really motivated to do anything, and so with the help of my old age, the pounds started to pack on.

But about a month ago, I was like, ummm, what the heck am I doing right now? Maybe one day I would want to be on Amazing Race, and if I was, I would not win because I could not run that much. So with the encouragement of the Amazing Race, and the fact that I felt like crap all the time, I went to the bookstore and I bought "The South Beach Diet" book (recommended by my amaaazing doctor - Dr. Stephanie Hawkins). I read it, and I was shocked, amazed, and way more educated about the glycemic index. The index makes so much sense about why I felt crappy all the time, and craved bad foods after eating bad foods, so I went full force into the whole South Beach Plan.

The first two weeks you have to eat NO CARBS. This was a little crazy. It is definitely similar to the Atkins diet, and it is to hopefully detox you away from all the bad carbs you have been eating. By the end of my time, I seriously couldn't look at another salad. Plus, I can't cook, so you should have seen me try to cook salmon... chicken... turkey burgers... you name it, I ruined it. So I ate a lot of lean turkey meat. Luckily, I loove eggs, so I would just eat eggs all the time (and still do).

Now that I am past the two week period, I can introduce healthy carbs into my life. So a typical day for me looks like this:

7am - Greek yogurt (sooo much protein in that little thing!)

9am - Two hard broiled eggs

12pm - Either a turkey sandwich on one piece of whole wheat/grain bread, or some kind of salad. A low fat string cheese, and 10 almonds (so fun, huh?)

3 or 4pm - Probably another string cheese, or some turkey wrapped up in lettuce, or sometimes I treat myself with a fruit (berries, banana, or apple).

7pm - Usually a lean cuisine (they make them with whole wheat rice now, so good), and maybe some salad, or some kind of veggie.

Workout

9pm - 2 or 3 days a week I will have a soy ice cream sandwich from Trader's. They are like 90 calories, and super yummy.

The hardest thing right now (believe it or not) is the fact that I am sometimes not eating enough calories. Sometimes it's hard to keep eating because I am actually full, so I might try to implement some protein bars in the mix in the near future as I intensify my workouts, though they are a lot of carbs, so I am not sure. If you know anything about this, let me know. I think I will send this blog to Darci. :)

Anyway, I have another secret blog that I have been keeping about my weight loss, and I want to publish it at the end of my success story for encouragement to others. But for now, I want to give myself more accountability by posting this here. I have already lost a lot of weight, and I feel really great. My pants are literally falling off me right now, and I think in another couple of weeks, I will definitely go down a size. :)

But other than encouraging weight loss, I also want to encourage people to check out this whole glycemic index stuff. Even if you're skinny, but you eat bad foods, you will probably not feel so well because your food is not digesting slow enough. I am no expert or anything though, just throwing it out there.

Also, shout out to Tatum, because even though I don't see her anymore, I watched her eat food for 6 years. And anytime I am at a loss for what to eat, I think to myself - "What would Tatum eat"? And that's what I get. ;)

Interesting Sunday Morning Paper

2009-11-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up (with a headache), which was exacerbated by this headline:

"Life Church pastor leads flock to new home"

Click on the headline for the OC Register article about how Life Church took over Kingsfield Church. You can see pictures too.

Oh ya, haha, this is my faaaaavorite (sarcastic voice now) paragraph in the whole article:

"I thought of Rick and realized he was a fourth generation's preacher's kid that was enough," said Munsey. "If I never built a massive church – what I did counted. Rick could have never been what he is without his father and grandfather. I had a sense of dignity. It didn't matter if I became like Rick. I respect Rick Warren more than any other minister I've met in my life."

Read the full article for context, but seriously, what the hell? I literally spit out my coffee, and used the word "hell".

"If I never built a massive church..."

You've gotta be freaking kidding me right now.

Maybe that building is... dare I say it... cursed?

Pig Fears

2009-10-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

My own eyes have seen multiple people die from Swine Flu (H1N1).

These own hands have been washed multiple time throughout the day to try and avoid catching it from all of the people around me who have it.

SO many people have the swine flu.

And while the Swine is not usually deadly, it DOES indeed make you very sick, for a couple of weeks.

Today at work, my director started walking around handing out forms that we had to fill out and sign, stating whether or not we wanted the H1N1 vaccine. I'll be honest, 2/3'rd's of the people want it, and the rest don't. It's scary. I really hate taking any kind of vaccine, and I have NEVER taken a flu shot until this year. I am not sure what made me even want to take the flu shot... I guess I just wanted to face the unknown - if I would react negatively to it, or not.

The fears lie in videos like these - about young people who develop "dystonia" after getting the flu shot. The scary part is that it take about 2 weeks to show signs of dystonia, which will make me stressed out for 14 days.

And while these incidents are extremely rare, they still happen. I am not too worried about it because I had no reaction to the flu shot, and if I do end up with neuro problems, at least I don't have a husband and/or children (my roomie thought I was weird for saying this, but seriously, at least I wouldn't burden anyone, except for my parents).

So the question is - is the risk of catching the Swine Flu, bigger than taking the vaccine?

I have had pneumonia before, and so I could easily see myself becoming quite sick if I caught the Swine Flu, and this makes me nervous. It's the young people that are becoming really really sick.

But at the same time, I know I would catch the Swine early on, and go to the doctor right away, so I think I would be able to fight it off.

But even if I fight it off, I will still probably be out sick for like two weeks from work and school... this doesn't work well at all.

But is the chance of becoming neurologically damaged, worth the risk of trying to not lose out on work and school?

The infectious disease docs at my work have already taken the vaccine, and recommend for us all to take it. On my paper for the vaccine, I checked "yes"... I want it. This means it's now or never. When that vaccine comes in, I need to take it, or they will give it to someone else, and I probably won't have a chance for another one (since they are so low in supply).

And even the Obama girls got the shot...

So what do you think? Should I take it? Would you take it?

Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is There.

2009-10-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

If you know me (too) well, then you know that in the past when I was trying to pay off my Camaro, I used to call Wells Fargo and tell them about my life. I would call in to make a payment, and then I would just start laying out my life to them. It was like free counseling, and I always felt better afterwards. Plus, I felt like I was getting a little more from my money.

So when the search began for a insurance plan on my new Corolla this past month, I was really seeking for something more. I called Geico (my former company), and Progressive, and All State (because of that awesome guy in their commercials), until finally finding State Farm. While looking at State Farms website, I realized that they actually had agent's, from the local area, who would ALWAYS be the person we would call.

I liked this idea.

So I called State Farm, and not only did they give me the best rate, but they also gave me the personal service I was looking for. Now I know a little about my agent (Greg), and he knows about me. Plus, State Farm has great deals on Renters Insurance, which would involve covering my possessions if anything were to happen to them inside OR outside my house (even while on vacation!). Having car insurance with State Farm, makes my Renters Insurance only a little over $2!

All in all, State Farm IS like a good neighbor.

So if you are looking for new insurance, and you want to give State Farm a try, go ahead and give Greg a call - 949.600.9673.

What are your experiences with car insurance?

...

2009-10-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

The more I live this life, the more I realize that I have no idea what I am doing.

I am content with that.

Go Blue.

2009-10-19T01:55:00.000-07:00

I still have faith in you.

Picture Party

2009-10-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

I used to post blogs of pictures about stuff I was up too, but for some reason, I don't really do that anymore. But there are so many good things to remember from these past couple of months. So, here we go!! In crazy, random order...

This is what I look at while working...

I was stuck between two large trucks once...

Dinner and Dessert with friends... though I have no idea how we all ended up in the bedroom...

My blurry birthday party

Game night at the Kneppers...

Stef's birthday at Chili's...

B and I in Savannah, Georgia...

Lunch with my fave person, and my fave restaurant, in my fave city (Manhattan Beach)...

My cousin got married...

This is my grandpa's girlfriend. Awesome.

Then she decided to have a baby... but what really comes first anyway, the chicken or the egg? ;) ...

Ya, it's a boy...

Wine tasting with my fave's...

A blurry baby shower for a co-worker...

Simone brought me this from South Africa, she loves me...

Late night with Tita...

Last time doing this here...

My OTHER cousin got married...

*sigh*... wonderful Fuller...

Friends...

My first free book to review! Woo!...

A family BBQ...

Ordered dessert at Claim Jumper (for $6), and was actually really pissed when they brought me this. Why the big portions Claim Jumper?!...

Salisbury Wedding!!!

House we stayed in...

Coldplay concert with Simone... (I accidentally did these backwards)

Lawn, or front row... couldn't tell :)

Healthcare within healthcare...

Disney with my love's...

B's birthday...

My "Office" wedding party...

Running into Ben at Fuller...

There was a crash... I had to get out and help...

Bye church!...

And finally... no words...

To School, or not to School... that is the Question...

2009-10-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I am pretty sure I figured out who “anonymous” is that keeps commenting on my blog. Or at least, ONE of the anonymous people that keeps commenting on my blog. There is one person that freaks me out a little, but I don't think he/she visits anymore. So, to the person who this blog post is written for, I only have one thing to say to you - I wish we were still friends.

If you read below on my blog, I made a bold statement about how I think that grad school is a good thing, and I recommend going, if you are able too. Long ago I have decided that I will not publish comments that are left anonymous (stand up for what you believe in…), but I want to address what this anonymous commenter had written, so I will quote what he/she had said to me:

“Do you realize that studying the bible and all the numerous books you will be reading can be done on your own? I know many men with great knowledge of the bible and awesome ministries that never went to grad school. Good for you that you are doing this, but shame on you for thinking that everyone in ministry should. After all, God used a bunch of undereducated men to start His church! Lets keep education in perspective and remember that GOD is the authority, not man’s attempt at knowledge.”

With all of this said, I am going to focus on 5 things:

1 – A+B, doesn’t have to equal C. College + Degrees doesn’t equal an “awesome ministry”. I never said that.

2 – Numerous book reading can be done on your own, but most of the time, that just never happens. And numerous book reading, does not equal a college education.

3 – Lets talk about the difference of an undergraduate education, and a seminary education.

4 – God TOTALLY used educated men.

5 – God IS indeed the authority… but maybe the problem with today’s church is that people are not striving for knowledge at all – they leave it all in the pastor’s hand to teach them. Pastor’s really need to start teaching teaching teaching their congregations. And in that case, an “attempt at knowledge”, is really important.

Disclaimer: I know that this conversation can get heated. I reeeally don't want to offend anyone with this post. Honestly, what I want to do, is encourage people to further their education. The majority of my family doesn't have degrees, and a lot of my friends don't either, and I don't think less of them at all. In fact, I have some REALLY brilliant friends who never went to college. School is not for everyone, but I think it's a really good thing. And I really think that it's extra important for Pastors to have some kind of education.

1 – A+B, doesn’t have to equal C. College + Degrees doesn’t equal an “awesome ministry”. I never said that.

>>>I am sure there are plenty of pastors with no college education, and "awesome ministries". But, I think we need to define the word "awesome" a bit more carefully, and I will address this point more within #5.

2 – Numerous book reading can be done on your own, but most of the time, that just never happens. And numerous book reading, does not equal a college education.

>>>One of my old pastors, Frank Sanchez, is a rare gem. Frank is a perfect example of a person who is just plain well educated. Frank does not have any accredited degrees. Frank is completely committed to studying God’s word, and the scholars who have gone before him. Frank loses sleep at night after his family is asleep, because he is up listening to lectures, and reading. Frank’s bookshelves are filled with books that have actually been read. Frank is probably one of the most gifted Pastors I have ever met, and every ministry he touches, is awesome. So it’s a total bummer that Frank is limited in certain things that he does because his degrees aren’t recognized by the "recognizing important people", because I fully believe he has the abilities to obtain jobs and position that are aligned with the M.Div. qualification.

But like I said, Frank is a RARE gem. I don’t know anyone else like him. Unfortunately, there are numerous pastors who have not been well educated, and are not committed in keeping their studies up. Because of this, I believe that the people they are pasturing, will suffer from this.

I sit next to a guy who is a pastor. He has been going to Fuller for 10 years. He never has had the time, or capability to go to seminary full-time, and so he just keeps plugging away. He says he probably won't ever get his masters degree, but that he feels better equipped to be a pastor by keeping up on his education. Also, he has an accounting degree, which he says was probably the best decision for his work now as a pastor, because he understands money and business. I think this is great.

My friend Jessie also has her undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies. She's a youth pastor. She's brilliant. I definitely think she will go to grad school one day, but for now, it's her hubby's turn. Jessie is committed to staying up on her education by reading books, and studying for her bible studies. And even better, at Biola, she was prepared for this.

My point is, it's not the degree hanging on the wall that counts, it's the knowledge that you are able to obtain. Having knowledge about your faith (especially if you are a pastor), is hugely important.

But with this said, I am not a huge fan of no degrees when it comes to something important. You can't become a doctor just by reading books... or a lawyer, or a police man, or even my job! Yup, I had to take many classes on how to read those cardiac dysrhythmias.

I have another friend - probably one of the most brilliant people that I know. He's like a sponge - just soaks up everything. But I don't think he would have been able to reach his full potential unless he went to school. I would LOVE to see him in law school one day, or get his Ph.D.

I just think that people are a huge big ball of potential, and an education will help make that ball bounce.

One last important thing about actually attending a school – the experience. Sitting at home reading books will bring you knowledge, but it wont give you any room to sharpen your sword. You aren’t in class discussing these things with peers and professors. You aren’t learning the discipline and structure of writing papers, and completing your reading on time.

I am not going to sit here and undermine a college education. Getting an undergraduate degree is rough. It is hard work, and it gives a person a certain kind of character, and an experience in life that no one else can relate too unless they have been through it. On a job application, you can't write down your experience as a person who has "read a lot of books", vs. "I have a degree". And I think there is a legitimate reason why. I am proud of my degree, and the work I did to obtain it.

3 – Lets talk about the difference of an undergraduate education, and a seminary education.

>>>I want to break up my segments of education:

Community college for my EMT cert. This helped me grow as an adult, and gave me really helpful trade knowledge.
Community College for my AA. I am a firm believer that general education is ridiculously important. To be well versed in general knowledge is something that cannot be replaced with anything. For instance - Those people Jay Leno runs into on Jay Walking - funny funny stuff, but kind of sad. A basic knowledge of history, government, english, math, and science, is important.
Finished my undergraduate degree at Biola University in Biblical Studies. After obtaining this degree, I didn't feel completely ready to dive into ministry. Ya, I felt pretty confident about leading a Junior High Ministry, but those kids asked some good questions, that I wasn't sure about what the answers were. I didn't feel ready to lead anything bigger than that ministry, because I didn't feel like I had enough education.
Now into my first semester at grad school. Every class I sit in, I feel like an idiot because of how much I DON'T know. And when I talk to my friends who have graduated from Seminary, I realize that I have a lot to learn. I am realizing now that my undergraduate degree prepared me for my seminary education... but that I do NEED a seminary education.

I have always heard it been said - an undergraduate degree prepares you for life, and a masters degree prepares you for what you REALLY want to do. I believe this so much more now.

4 – God TOTALLY used educated men.

>>>And even if the disciples were completely uneducated before they met Jesus, they went to the best 3-year seminary out there - one taught by Jesus, Himself!

But seriously, the men back then were not stupid. And they were at least well educated in their Jewish faith.

5 – God IS indeed the authority… but maybe the problem with today’s church is that people are not striving for knowledge at all – they leave it all in the pastor’s hand to teach them. Pastor’s really need to start teaching teaching teaching their congregations. And in that case, an “attempt at knowledge”, is really important.

>>>Like I said, degrees don't equal an awesome ministry and/or life, but they sure do help.

Two different thoughts:

My mom has always wanted to be a school teacher, but she never had a chance to go to college because her mom died when my mom was 19, and she had two little siblings to care for. Sucks. So she decided to go down the career path of healthcare administration. She has worked in that field for over TWENTY years, and will never get out of it. This is all she knows. And she can't move any higher up in the company, because she doesn't have a degree. Double sucks. My mom is the most amazing person I have ever known, and my love for her is off the charts. Because I love her so much, I just always have wished that she would have been able to work her dream job. Because of this, my mom has always pushed me to get an education in what I LOVE. And though she may not understand me getting all these theology degrees, she loves seeing me happy. And she loves knowing that (hopefully) I will be able to work at a job that I love one day, because of my education.
Some church's are not taking time to teach their congregations about the Bible. And I believe that they are not, because they don't have the resources to do so, because they are not well educated. In turn, people do not feel "fed", and people don't get their questions answered, which in turn, can lead to people becoming confused about Christianity. But at the same time, I will admit, that there are some well educated men and women, who can also lead people astray. But my point still stands - an education is better than no education.

I know this post is going to offend some people, but what else is there to do?! Tell me Andrew Faris!! ;)

Seriously though, for many years I was told the advice to not go to school, and prepare to be married. What if I would have listened to that crap?! People are out there telling young students this advice, and I just feel like I need to speak my feelings (hopefully in a loving way) as well.

My Professor told us about this AMAZING video clip...

2009-10-11T02:58:00.001-07:00

Grad School Comics

2009-10-09T01:23:00.001-07:00

I just love these comics.

Still can't believe I am in Grad School (it's so intense!), because I barely passed Junior High...

I love Jay-Z.

2009-10-07T23:39:00.001-07:00

Tonight, while at dinner with friends, I made the following statement - "I honestly don't think you can honestly say that you have good taste in music, unless you like Jay-Z's music."

I was kind of surprised, because my Indie loving friends immediately began talking about their love for Jay-Z. In that moment, I knew (1) My friends are awesome, and (2) I am right.

I think that Jay-Z is one of the best rappers of my time, and I love him.

Grad School Update...

2009-10-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Some people have been asking for an update on how grad school is going, so I must oblige. I don't really have much to say because it's only been a week now, but I feel like I am able to say that Fuller is exceeding all of my expectations. Some key points:

Driving up to class, I had a coffee with me, and I was a little nervous about whether it would be allowed in the classroom. When I walked into class, I saw that the school had already set up coffee, and every tea imaginable, while our professor confessed to waking up at 5am and making cookies. I finally felt like an adult. ;)

Our prof gave us his cell number, and demanded we call him "Nate".

About 5 people in my class have already taken this class (and graduated), but wanted to come back because "Nate's" lectures are just "that good".

Fuller offers alumni the chance to take TWO audit classes EVERY year, for the rest of their life. Are.you.kidding.me.?

"Nate's" lecture blew.my.mind. Maybe this was because my Church History course at Biola was so horrible, but I don't think so. Everything was tied together so nicely with pictures and stories ("Nate" is an amaaazing story teller), and he kept it at a nice pace to where I had time to type out everything he was saying. And the best part about it was, I was actually learning A LOT!

Both of my prof's have written and published books (standard), but they are very accessible, and both have websites built for each class they teach. This way, we can go online and download everything we need.

My New Testament prof gave us his skype name, and told us to iChat with him for our questions. Sweetness.

I have realized that grad school is really important. I remember having a conversation about this with Dr. Yoshikawa (my Greek prof at Biola). I told him how I felt really unprepared for ministry after graduating with my Biblical Studies degree. He wasn't too surprised, and quickly told me that seminary was to prepare a person for ministry. Obviously, some would differ with this opinion (which is fine), but I am kind of with Dr. Yosh on this one. Not that a person would be horrible in ministry or something, it just seems that spending more time studying what you preach, isn't such a bad thing. It's like anything in this world - lets look at nursing. You can be a great nurse with your AA or BA in nursing, but the more you are educated (Nurse practitioner, critical care nursing, open heart surgery nursing.. any of the specialities), the more well rounded, and skilled nurse you will be. With that said, two things: (1) I just kind of want to encourage a person to go to grad school, if they have the opportunity... and, (2) I am humbled and blessed by this opportunity to be here, and my prayer is that through this experience, God would fill me with knowledge, that would glorify His name.

So anyway, this is the gist of it so far. It's going to be super intense for a little while, because I have a lot of work to do. I am going to give you a list of all the books I'm reading (would love to hear any opinions if you have them), and I pretty much have to read the entirety of all the books. It's a lot. Plus papers, midterms, finals... grad school really is a lot of work (and A LOT of reading!). I definitely need to start getting focused. For the last 16 months, I haven't been in school, so I am definitely very rusty, and I have already been avoiding my reading like the plague.

Needless to say, your prayers would be HUGELY appreciated.

Reading list:

All four canonical gospels in either NRSV or TNIV translation (hehe).
Achtemeier, Paul J., Joel B. Green, and Marianne Meye Thompson. Introducing the New Testament: Its Literature and Theology.
Aland, Kurt. Synopsis of the Four Gospels (Greek-English)
Barton, Stephen C. (editor). The Cambridge Companion to the Gospels
Kirk, J. R. Daniel, Jesus the Man (This is an excerpt of my prof's book that he is in the middle of writing.
Murphy, Frederick J. Early Judaism: The Exile to the Time of Jesus
Wright, N. T. The Challenge of Jesus
Bettenson, Henry, ed. Documents of the Christian Church.
Feldmeth, Nathan P. Pocket Dictionary of Church History. (This is my prof's handy little book, that I basically have to memorize).
Froehlich, Karlfried, ed. and trans. Biblical Interpretation in the Early Church.
Clark, Elizabeth A. Women in the Early Church.
Latourette, Kenneth Scott. A History of Christianity. Vol. 1. (This book is intense, but really great).
Rausch, William C. The Trinitarian Controversy.

I hate the "middle".

2009-10-02T00:15:00.001-07:00

I've always said that I hate the "middle". I hate the "middle" of most debates in this world. And one of these worlds is within politics. To me, Republicans are the epitome of "middle". I've always said, "call me a liberal or a libertarian... that way, I am not a hypocrite".

Anyway, mostly I am a liberal, but I do struggle with some ideas of libertarianism. And I never thought I would say this, but I actually agree with Ron Paul about something!!!

As you read in my Michael Moore post below, I have been saying forever (just ask my roommate, we had a huge debate about this), that it is ridiculous that Madoff would go to jail for his ponzi scheme, because the government is in on the biggest of ponzi schemes ever! Thank you Ron Paul for backing me up on this, I think I will definitely pick up your book.

**Writer's Note**
This is why I definitely do struggle with the whole political debate of liberalism and libertarianism. Do I think the government does a great job? No, not really. Is a bigger government the answer? Honestly, I don't know. But like I said, I HATE the middle ground. Republicans are NOT about small government... Libertarians are. So my struggle is that I think it should be one or the other - big government, or little government. But the problem with little government, I believe, is shown in our history... it just doesn't work. I don't know... it's a constant battle within my brain...

I might be a libertarian one day, but I'll never be a repub.

"Narrow is the Road"...

2009-09-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

Every day that I go to work, it becomes more apparent to me that in fact - I am a Christian.

Not that I doubt this a lot, but I have had friends who have doubted their salvation at one point, and some who wonder why they aren't more excited about Jesus, all the time. And I for one, am definitely a person with this fleshly mind, who will do things like... cuss... manipulate... not care about people... gossip... etc. And sometimes when these gross things happen inside and around me, I'll think... "Small is the gate and narrow is the road"...

But the more I am at work these days, the more that I notice what a FREAK I must look like to other people.

First off, I am hopeful. I have hope in Christ and everlasting life. And though this past year has been reeally hard for me, I still walk into work with a smile on my face because of the plain and simple fact that I know Jesus. Everyone else... not so much.

Second, I cry when people die. Thank God for this, because I used to not cry. And sometimes I have to hide my tears because I don't want to be perceived as as "weak".

Thirdly, I am just plain nice. And I don't mean to say this because I have big ego (because if you know me really well, you know that I am not a saint of niceness), but when my personality is put up against others, I look like a saint. I don't even really have to try. It's so weird.

I feel blessed to be in this situation, because the fact that the Holy Spirit lives within me, is on show for everyone to see. I pray that God would use me in this situation, for His glory.