For the last 2 weeks (and this past weekend in particular), I haven't been really learning anything from books or lectures. This is how I usually learn, and so it's been weird. It's like all human voices have been blocked from my mind, and only God has been able to speak.
Ya, it's a good thing.
This past weekend was the Redeemed girls conference (so awesome by the way), and I found myself walking out of there being really impacted. I was telling someone this, and they asked me, "Well what did the speaker say?" I replied, "I actually have no idea what the speaker said... it was only God who was talking..."
So what was the lesson (we'll wrap it up for all of you who hate "reading long blogs")? God is showing me more and more that I am holding onto stuff, physically and emotionally, that is just disgusting.
Physically speaking - my room has been a mess for weeks now. I have so much stuff, I don't even know what to do with it. I have too many clothes to even fit in my closet! So as I have been living in my filth for the past few months, I have become utterly disgusted by it. A few months ago, I would have been dependent on it... convincing myself that I needed it... and strangely, wanting more. Stuff. I have so much stuff. But for goodness sake, I don't even need this stuff! I am disgusted with the money I have spent, and the time I put into worrying about what people think about what I am wearing. I refuse to get wrapped up into the Southern California mindset.
Emotionally speaking - people. I rely on people to speak to me... talk with me... be with me... I convince myself that I must have it. I tell myself that I can't live without it. But I don't need it. Or at least right now, God wants some Carrie time, and I am disgusted with the way that I would put anyone before my relationship with God.
Ya, lots of thoughts happening.
So I'm going to start to cleanse. I'm going to get rid of a lot of stuff, I'm going to fast from a lot of stuff, and I am going to spend all of my extra time with the Lord. Because I need Him... and I want Him... and I want to be solely dependent on Him... I want to talk to Him... I want Him to speak to me... I want Him to be with me... Because HE is what I can't live without.
God, forgive me for ever thinking otherwise.