My First (real) Book Idea...

----->>>>>> I wrote this post back in October, and it is SO as rough of a draft as you're gunna get, but seriously, I really feel like God has some cool things to say through me in this next year or so on the matter of discipleship and sanctification, and here are some rough ideas on it. 

"Rough" being the key word. 

Please, I welcome your thoughts. Take a second, and have a read...

--------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As I have been going through this thing called "life" lately, God has been showing me a lot. And He has specifically laid one thing on my heart during this time of great transitions - The Sanctification Process. Now of course, just like anything dealing with religion, there a million different views on the sanctification process. 

• For the Catholics, we have "moral perfection"
• Eastern Orthodoxy says we can take on "divine properties"... yikes. 
• Lutherans, and the majority of Protestant denominations (probably you), would agree that along with the Holy Spirit's help, the individual would be responsible for maintaining a certain level of "holiness". 
• For Methodists, it is a process that is life long, and was a grace-led spiritual growth (much more to say on this one...). 

As I study the scriptures, consider my own life, and continue to watch the effects of the Christian church today, I am beginning to realize that maybe the majority of Christians, are being led in the wrong direction when it comes to the sanctification and discipleship process, especially in America. 

The main thesis that I have been chewing on when it comes to this idea, is the fact that when it comes to the Bible, everything seems so rushed. And our American lives are going a million miles a minute, and so it's only natural that when we read the Bible, it would seem like everything that God is asking from the Christian, would need to be done, and accomplished, immediately. 

My salvation story is different from others, in that I didn't grow up in the Christian faith, and I only came to know the Lord when I was 19 years old. God put this huge passion in bones (and, I believe, a specific calling) to get out there, and do anything I could within ministry, and so that's all I have ever known. I watched others quit volunteering, or only make it to church once a month, and I was completely convinced they were "backsliding". I was taught that there was certain things a person needed to do to be a "good Christian", and anything less was looked down upon. I remember feeling guilty over listening to secular music, watching TV, not praying out loud during community prayer times, missing church, wearing a two piece bathing suit, and drinking alcohol. 

When I escaped this "situation", I revolted from everything. I equated not attending church, with attending Radiohead concerts, and not reading my Bible, with watching MTV. The more I thought about the situation, the more I realized that this sounded a lot like legalism, and so that gave me a lot of freedom. And when I finally cleared away all the dust, and took out my Radiohead albums from storage, I realized that not going to church, and not reading my Bible, were only going to hurt me in the long run, and watching MTV, wasn't going to send me to hell. 

Galatians 5 tells the Christian what kind of "fruits" they are supposed to live by. These include: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. 

This list seems a little heavy to me. It makes me nervous, like if I have to walk into a church again, I am going to have to display all of these things. And like I was saying before, they all seemed so rushed. I mean, for goodness sake, they are all in ONE sentence! 

So why is it that I am feeling such freedom, whenever I accept the fact that I am not perfect? Maybe we need to focus on the first half of Galatians more than the second half. 

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Mark my words! 

I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, 

Christ will be of no value to you at all. 

Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised

 that he is obligated to obey the whole law. 

You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; 

you have fallen away from grace. 

But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit

 the righteousness for which we hope. 

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. 

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

In this passage, it is clear that Paul is speaking to the Jews about the "Law", and how the legalism of the Law can make a person fall away from grace. We are free, and we are not justified by laws, and we eagerly await, through the Spirit, our own righteousness (for which we hope), and also, we await Jesus' return. 

Yes, it's scary to preach "freedom", because some may take it too literally. Yes, it may seem that the cost of having "freedom" through Christ, can cause a heavier burden. But I believe that these yes' that I speak of, should not stop us from preaching this part of the gospel, especially within discipleship. 

My friend Dave Bazan wrote a song about how it's "hard to be, a decent human being". Dave has swirled into an addiction to alcohol, and a world of doubt, and it seems that all he is feeling is a lot of guilt. He ends the song by saying, 

"I swung my tassel to the left side of my cap

Knowing after graduation there would be no going back

and no congratulations from my faithful family

some of whom are already fasting to intercede for me"

When I hear Dave sing these songs, all I can think of is that he is in the process of sanctification. If sanctification is grace-led spiritual growth (which I tend to lean more Methodist on this issue), then why would it seem so far fetched that grace isn't leading Bazan right now? I think we can all attest that the Spirit of God was working within this man before, so why wouldn't it be the same now? 

I hardly read my Bible unless I have too. I don't go to church every weekend. I am not volunteering in a ministry, and I watch TV. But I want to tell you something amazing - at this time in my life... a time that would seem to some, as dry... I have never seen more "fruit" in and out of my life, I have never been closer to my family, I have never been more patient, kind, and self-controlled in my life, and my heart is still in pursuit of the Kingdom. 

So why is it that when I was doing everything "right", I was not being something that was "right"? 

Sanctification takes time. It takes experiences. It takes relationships and accountability. It takes love. It takes failures. It takes being happy. It takes addictions. It takes doubt. It takes fear. It takes pridefulness. It takes being lonely. 

It does not happen overnight, but still, this is the expectations the Church can put on the Christian. I believe this ends up being one of the huge reasons, Christians, love escaping from the Church. 

There is this fine line when it comes to talking about sanctification. Most believe you have to work for it. But then the line becomes fuzzy because we are saved by grace alone. I think we need to embrace the fact that while in some cases, we do work for it... mostly, God is working it within us. 

This is my rough ideas of the Christian life:

>>Saved, and super stoked about God (The Conversion Experience)

>>Holier than Thou time of life... Learning the Christian ways, and buying Jesus symbols for your vehicles

>>Giving up everything, to serve in the church (this could go on for years)

>>(Hopefully) Get involved in a Home Group with other Christians

>>Getting really busy... tired from life... and "burned" in different ways by the church

>>Stepping down from ministry, and try your hardest to attend church every week

>>Feel really guilty about not serving as much as you used too, and missing church a few times... driving you into a place where you just don't really want to think about it anymore...

Like I said, "rough" ideas here, and everyone's story is going to be different (including mine), but I think for the most part, this is the pattern of a lot of Christians today. And when you really examine this list closely, I think that it's really clear that what is missing is discipleship, and if there is discipleship, then sometimes it can be placed in the wrong area. 

I am just really tired of talking to so many of my former youth students, and other friends, who feel really discouraged about the Church, because they feel guilt for not being a "better Christian". I am trying to figure out what that really means, and if it actually even exists. 

GAH, there is just so much more to say, and that is why I keep prolonging posting my thoughts here, but I would really love some feedback. 

Thanks so much for reading. 

Thommaaaay....

Today (well, Thursday afternoon), I spent three hours in one of these...


But, since I was listening to this, it was much more pleasant...

Really, when do I ever have time to just sit and listen to Radiohead for 3 hours without feeling guilty about the fact I should be doing something more productive. 

It was glorious. 

Then, to make circumstances even better, I saw "New Moon" at the midnight showing, and was filled with joy as one of the most intense scenes of the movie was encompassed with sounds of the song that Thom Yorke made just for the movie. Therefore, leading to this fabulous picture when you google "Thom Yorke New Moon". So great. 

It was a good day indeed. 

Soon.

Just bought Thursday midnight tickets...

Does this make me a loser?

Well, Stef and Cam are not losers, so there. 

Biola Prof's are the BEST.

You have heard me rant and rave about Biola prof's before, but I have a youtube video to prove it this time. Presenting Matthew Weathers - known as the Best Math Teacher of all time (wish I could have taken his class...), and pretty much the nicest guy ever. My fondest memories of Matt, are studying with the PUQ guys down in the library during finals week, and Matt coming around at around midnight with encouraging words, starbucks coffee drinks, and snacks. Are you kidding me?! He's the best. 

Here is a video he played for his class on Halloween:

Read about it HERE.

I can feel my leg!!!

I am SO excited, because I am feeling SOOO much better!!!

I know that A LOT has happened since I last updated my blog, but it has been a really difficult time, and I had been talking to SO many people about what happened (including the government health people almost every day... they are so annoying), that I just felt weird about publicizing to the whole world about what was happening. So, if this blog seems kind of out of context, it's probably because I haven't published the whole story of what has been happening, but maybe I will in the future. In the meantime, this post is just to remind people that I don't look like (or walk like) the girl in the videos I posted below (it's a different syndrome I was afflicted with), and to remind everyone out there that I personally don't think young healthy people should be getting ANY kind of vaccine (especially the swine flu, and HPV). 

On Wednesday I was bumming pretty hard because my primary doctor finally put a for real diagnoses to my case. She claims that I actually had a minor case of Guillain Barre Syndrome. 

CRA.ZEE.NESS.

Now, while the neurologist had kind of been saying this (under his breath) all along, he still didn't want to claim it. I loved that my primary doc did. She has actually known me for almost 11 years now, so when I saw her face when she actually examined me and looked over my lab results, and THEN told me NOT to exercise (she's a fitness QUEEN), I started to cry a little. I was totally freaked out. She actually ordered MORE MRI's (sigh), another EMG, and sent me on my way with a strict order of "bed rest" (once again), reminding me that this is a "serious condition, and that I need to rest". 

NOT.FUN. 

Anyway, I still felt pretty crappy and numb on Wednesday and Thursday, but Friday morning I woke up and I was like, "Huh... I can feel my leg..." 

I attempted the stairs (which has been a difficulty for TOO long now), and approached my roomie watching Project Runway (<3<3<3)

I tried wracking my brain for anything that I had done differently the day before, and realized that I had cheated on my diet, and ate a few french fries. If only it were true that french fries cured Guillain Barre Syndrome - the world would be a better place. 

But, today has been fantastic! Usually I need like 3 naps because I am so fatigued, but I felt energized all day. Plus I am not walking like a freak anymore, and when I do walk, I don't feel like my legs are going to give out (well, I guess as long as I am not pushing it...). 

So basically, the numbness is still in my right hand and both of my feet (but my right foot is waaay more affected). For now, I am just going to keep resting this weekend, and pray to God that every day brings on more healing for me. It will be great to be able to stir something again, or pick at my nails (I know it's a bad habit, but it's weird when you can't do it). Or, another thing I can't do with my right hand is pick stuff up with just my fingers, or separate pieces of paper with my fingers (weirdest thing ever!). Another habit I have been missing is shaking my leg while resting. I don't know if anyone else out there does this, but for some reason I do. Well, since my leg has gone numb, it's like my body has no desire to do that. Weird. 

Gah. Everything is weird in these past 2 weeks. 

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's prayers SO much! And I would still love to have your prayers, but when you think of me, please think of my friend's cousin who lives in Pasadena, who is struggling with FULL BLOWN Guillain Barre Syndrome. He is MY age, and his onset was after the Swine Flu Shot as well! He is stable, but please join me in prayer that he will get back to walking SOON. 

And again, AVOID those vaccine's! They are just not good for you (my personal opinion of course). 

Gotcha!

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Swine Flu Vaccine... Shouldn't have done it...

Well, there has been much love and concern coming my way over Facebook which I SO appreciate. I just love all of your prayers so much. I just kind of wanted to give one overall update to everyone on here, because my symptoms are hard to deal with, and it's hard to type. 

It all started last Friday, when I received the Swine Flu Vaccine. I felt fine right after it, but over the hours, I developed a headache and nausea. I didn't think anything of it, because after all, I had just had some weird vaccine injected in me. 

That night I got home and I was exhausted. I went to bed, and awoke to horrible muscle cramps all over my body. They were literally "charlie horses" in my legs, and that's what it felt like in my arms, back, and neck (though I don't know if you can call them "charlie horses"). Again, I thought, well, I probably shouldn't be injecting vaccine's into my body. 

The next day was Halloween, and I had SO much to do. But again, I was still exhausted. As I was making my famous dirt cups, I realized that I couldn't grasp the wooden spoon with my right hand. The ONLY way I can describe it, is that it was like I was retarded, in the sense that I felt like my hand was kind of crippling. Super weird. Needless to say, my dirt cups didn't come out as great as they could have. 

That night I had some muscle relaxers, because I thought my muscles were just having spasms because of the vaccine, and I felt pretty good. Around 11pm though, I was SO tired. After everyone left, I felt horrible. 

That night the tingling in my feet and hands started. Again, I just thought it was because I had been dancing, or whatever. I woke up on Sunday morning and I was exhausted. I got up to clean up, and I could barely do that because I was just so exhausted. This was not normal for me because ever since I have been enjoying my "lifestyle change", I have had a ton of energy. I spent the rest of the day in bed, and the tingling and muscle weakness was getting worse. 

The next morning, I got up for work like normal, and I as I was driving, I realized that I couldn't really grasp the steering wheel with my right hand, and, couldn't feel my right foot pressing the pedal. Ya, probably shouldn't have been driving, but it wasn't completely numb. Again, I convinced myself I slept on my arm and leg wrong, and proceeded to work. 

Once there for a few hours, I decided to mention my muscle weakness and tingling to one of the neuro nurses. Of course she immediately wanted me to call the neurologist that we all know and love, and so I did. I told his office secretary what was happening, and to my surprise he called me back on my cell phone 5 minutes later! He asked if I wanted to come in that day, and I said no because I needed to work, and then he graciously offered to take a look at me there in the ICU the next morning (super great guy). 

Tuesday morning came, and the symptoms were the same. He came to test my reflexes etc., and apparently I failed miserably. While I thought I was pushing him with all of my might, he just looked at me with this stunned face, stating, "Are you seriously pushing on me?" He demanded I come in that day for an EMG. This procedure was not very fun, as he explained it by asking me, "Did you ever stick your finger in a light socket as a child?" "No!", I exclaimed. Then he told me that's how the electric one would feel, all over, a bunch of times. And then for the one where he sticks needles into my muscles a million times... well we just won't go there. Fortunately (and, unfortunately I guess...), I wasn't able to feel a lot of the needles, well, because, I am suffering paralysis! ;)

So the test came back abnormal (fuuun...). And while the whole world at my work wants to know if I am stricken with "Guillain Barre Syndrome" (the main, horrible, side effect of the Swine Vaccine), my doctor just shook his head and said, "Honestly, I have no idea what's happening". 

To make matters worse, I just had blood tests done about a month ago, and EVERYTHING was perfectly normal... more than normal. Now, my blood tests are out of whack. SO frustrating. 

So, what's the plan? Well, on Friday I am getting some MRI's done to hopefully find the problem. I don't think I have ever wished for a herniated disc or pinched nerve so much in my life. The doc also said that I could have had some stuff going on already with a disc or nerves, but because of the severe muscle cramping the vaccine caused, it could have pushed it over the edge, which would explain the sudden onset of symptoms. 

IF everything came back negative from the MRI's though, then he said that I would basically just have to wait and see if the paralysis gets worse. He says if it is "Guillain Barre", then he won't be able to treat it until I can't walk, and can't breath. Awesome words, right? He said this usually takes from 4-6 weeks with the vaccine cases. 

In the meantime, I sooo feel like that annoying person that complains about their whole body hurting. I HATE being that person. I literally just went into 24 Hour Fitness and upgraded my pass to the Sport clubs because I wanted to start swimming again. Doc says I can't even walk when I am home, and when I am not at work or school, it's bed rest for me (until the MRI results). 

I will write more later on the vaccine itself, but for now, I have to recommend not getting the vaccine. My doc says that the government is lying, and that they are using scare tactics to frighten everyone into getting a vaccine that is not safe. Take it as you will...

Work today was extremely hard, and even now, my head and back is killing me. I am pretty bummed about all of this, because like I had said, my life and health was really starting to turn around for the better. But through it all, the Lord is being so faithful. 

• At first, MRI told me I was going to have pay $1000 up front for the MRI's. This would have been impossible, and I wouldn't have been able to get them done. But then this miracle lady in the business office took it upon herself to help me SO much, and figure out that my insurance covers them 100%! So amazing!

• So even though I was in so much pain, I randomly started a conversation about my schooling with one of the security guards, and he was fascinated by my choice of studies, and began to tell me about dreams he has been having. These were some craaaazy dreams, and I wasn't sure what to say. But I thought of Andrew Faris, and the time that Joel Garman told me that Faris told him, to always lead them to the Bible. So I asked the security guard if he had ever read the Bible. The guard said no, and I told him, "well, there are some pretty cool dreams in the bible too... lots of people in the bible had dreams, just like you." He seems SO interested, and so I promised him I would bring him a bible. Sweetness. 

• Finally, though I was so weak today, I ended up HAVING to walk all the way to the front of the hospital to get something. I really didn't want to go, but had no choice. But while I was over there, I ran into an old patient and his family. I think about them so much, and how it is SUCH a miracle that this patient is still alive! I watched this patient mostly on a vent, and then the day he got transferred upstairs, he was still really out of it (mentally). Now I was talking to a completely different person! He was perfect! His dad gave me a big hug, and his brother said that they had a list of people they wanted to see, and I was on it! As it is, it turns out that I am actually old friends with someone who is best friends with the patients brother. And I have also had a chance to talk with this "old friend" about God, as we worked at the hospital together. If my friends remember the story - he is the friend who was present when one of the world's leading evangelicals entered into the ER, and I made him sign my book (though he had a broken leg), and in the end, ended up giving the book to my "old friend", who ended up reading it, and believing in a Creator ("of some sort...", he said). 

All in all, God is just reminding me that through all things, He is still able to work through my life... especially when I least expect it. 

Please pray for the pain I am having, and for my concentration. I have a huge midterm and 2 papers coming up, and I am just praying I can get through this quarter. And I guess, you can also pray for complete healing.. as the Lord wills...